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| I'm So Happy! |
Been to jail.
Or an institution.
Or, obviously, DIED???
This year has been one hell of a trip. I've learned a lot about myself, people and life. I'm happier than I've ever been.
Yeah.
STILL.
When I left, I changed my mind and my LIFE.
Everything about me is different, especially how I communicate and relate to people.
I've cleared the fat out of my life and keep it lean.
I don't have time to mess around with liars, PHONIES or anyone who shows me they do not have their shit together or my best interest at heart.
Vipers are everywhere, even in the most unsuspected places. I used to cower in fear of them, but I stole my backbone on the way out the door of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Today, I am surrounded by people who have what I want, FOR REAL.
My new friends bring out the best in me. I love you all very much. And. I thank you. *HUGS*
Contrary to what I had been misled to believe for twenty one years, I have learned that I can enjoy substances in SAFETY.
I guess I grew up.
Outside of the week after Sherlock left me, I've been wasted TWO TIMES.
The first was right after I made the decision to leave A.A. for good. I was miserable and thought "I MAY AS WELL DRINK!"
That was a total bore and very short lived.
The second time was by MY OWN STUPID MISTAKE.
That's right.
I had no intention of getting drunk (nor do I EVER), but my friend knew the bartender. He made a strong, mixed drink. I was thirsty. I drank three TOO FAST.
Drunk hit me like a hurricane that I never want to experience again.
I got my ass driven home and into bed. It was a major bummer.
This is why I prefer shots and ONE BEER. Yes. It's true, I AM A BOSTON GIRL. But, as I've learned, with careful experimentation, a shot is easy to manage. I can see how much booze is in my glass AND, one is PLENTY!
*BLINK*
Yeah.
ONE IS PLENTY.
I'm petite, people!
Imagine that?
I was brainwashed to believe that ONE THOUSAND IS NEVER ENOUGH- um, yeah. THAT IS A LIE.
Believe me when I tell ya, MAGIC happened when I changed my mind.
About everything.
I have a new set of eyes and ears that keeps me safe, happy and on the road to living the life that was stolen from me.
One thing I will say is that it takes time to BALANCE when you leave. The transition is no easy task. It's a process.
As I've mentioned before, I began to cut back on meetings six months before I left completely. This is when it became crystal clear how much THE CULT ruled my life.
In October of 2009, I made some bad decisions, thanks to some really fucking terrible advice from my sponsor bitch (NEVER GO TO THE CULT OR THE PEOPLE IN IT FOR ADVICE). I moved my two bedroom apartment to my "mother's" house.
By default, that move was the first step in my extrication from THE CULT. I spent three weeks in Las Vegas, with myself, my art and my writing.
Then, I'd drive back to San Diego, to my "home group," where I would spend a week at my sponsor's house, buried in (or, more appropriate, UNDER) the program with "my friends."
I made the trip every month because I wanted to maintain my relationships ('cuz, you know what happens when you move...), but realized how much I hated most of the people I was trying to be friends with when I was away from them.
What exactly is there to like about people who accept powerlessness as their code, then have nothing better to do than talk about the past, other people, or how "blessed" they are to accept and swallow a BUNCH OF LIES?
What did you say?
NOTHING?
Yeah.
You are RIGHT ON.
I realized pretty quickly that I'd been wasting my time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I began to dread my trips to San Diego with every passing month.
Adam's death was tragic and the aftermath of that was enough to push me out of that madness forever.
If you are new here, read this story about the day my Alcoholics Anonymous Sponsor physically assaulted me.
Truth be told. I never had the opportunity to get to know Adam, as I should have. THE CULT filter was in full effect when we met.
We may have been a couple, but I let my sponsor discourage me. Her vicious words about him will always haunt me.
"You don't want him. He's got serious problems..."My heart broke for us as she detailed the reason's why he was not worthy. That bitch is a disgraceful gossip. She spilled his personal business, from her high horse. I was too weak to stand up for anything. We missed out.
I wish it had been different.
If only I was different.
R.I.P. Adam. XOXO
Now I am on track to the life of my dreams. I make my own decisions, based on what's best for me. It's been hard, but worth every single bump in the road.
Next year is gonna be even better.
I just know it.
'Till Next Time,
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