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THE DIARY OF A CHICK WHO WALKED AWAY FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (THE CULT)

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Boston, MA, United States
I don’t need an introduction.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

"It Was The Needle"

Although I wasn't raised in the church, I've known God since I was first horrified by the terror my psycho mother instilled by her ruthless attacks of me and my character, as well as her propensity to drag my brother and I anywhere and everywhere she wanted to be. I'll never forget this one time when she emerged from a stranger's bedroom with rug burn on her chin-all I knew then was she was, most likely, doing some sort of drugs, as usual. 

Later on, I realized she'd been raped, but I assume she got what she deserved, since she's repeatedly forced me into situations where it happened to me too. Her biggest dissapointment in life is , "she got nothing out of being a "mother." I'm not sorry the thrill of destroying me over and over hasn't worked out. SHE CAN ROT IN HELL, just as she does in "life."


Somehow, I knew "God is the father of the fatherless" long before I ever picked up the bible that used to steer my life-I've lost hope I'll ever be able to engage in any routines again; however, it makes me sad to have lost all the bibles I'd loved, then all the glasses that helped me see; now, I'm losing my eyes. OH FUCKING WELL.

Nobody cares.

Why should I?

The only thing I care about anymore is when the fuck I'll be free of this tortured breath. My God. I HATE. BEING. ALIVE. 

Someday, I might succeed in my last AND ONLY DREAM: SUICIDE. 

For now, I'm stuck flitting from horrible situation to horrible situation without enough money to eat or take the bus, while anyone who COULD AND SHOULD HELP,  simply WON'T. I didn''t choose this life. I thought I'd done what someone is supposed to do to be successful. I wish I went to Europe, like my way blessed brother did. I wasted my time, money and life on a useless degree from Emerson College that was stolen by junkies on Daytona Beach the night after Cuntessa stole my almost life, right along with Tolstoy's ashes and all of my most precious belongings. Oh the Fuck well. 

Nobody ever cared, why should I?

I don't. 

NOT Anymore.

I'm done.

The only thing that had carried me through my WRETCHED existence was my faith. I believed in God so much, I was baptized twice. I preached his love to everyone I ever met. When I was allowed to see, I let his word shape all of my decisions. When I realized I'd never be married, I had "God' tattooed on my ring finger.

Then, I got sick with an infection that began with a bump on my thumb, then quickly spread throughout my entire body, which was ALMOST HEALED AFTER FOUR YEARS OF DILLIGENCE NOW OUT THE WINDOW. FUCK YOU CUNTESSA! It's a fungs. It's eaten my skin, nails, organs, eyes, and ability to do a fucking thing, besides BEG FOR DEATH.

I was ALMOST ALL BETTER. Now, I'm trapped in a schizophrenic's spare bedroom, where I sleep on the floor and pray he won't be home to berate me with opinions he creates, just like everyone, merely because I'm homeless-I must be a "DRUG ADDICT," WHORE, LAZY, WORTHLESS..." 

NOPE. 

Not quite, but the proof is in the photos of the life I'll never have again. I can look at them as often as I can my "repulsive" reflection:. NEVER.
 
FUCK YOU CUNTESSA.

The ONLY GOOD THAT CAME OUT OF MEETING THIS PREDATOR WAS HIM TELLING ME, "It was the needle, not God" that me sick. Just like everything I'd encountered in Trashville, it wasn't sanitary. 

I'd struggled for years with why my life was totally ripped apart after I got baptised. Then, it seemed, God made me UGLY AFTER I MARRIED HIM.

Now, I know it wasn't God.

Too late.

GOD IS IN CONTROL AND HE LET THIS LIFE BE.

A series of ALMOSTS.

Fuck it.
And. FUCK HIM.
I want to die. PLEASE.




Tuesday, September 27, 2022

“It’s Not Domestic Abuse if Nobody Got Hit”


The one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt is the fact I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse all of my life. If you replace the male role in the above with CUNTESSA, every single word, INCLUDING SEXUAL ABUSE ranging from her allowing her live-in boyfriend to. STICK HIS FUCKING TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT during the same time I taught myself how to swim in the Atlantic Ocean ALONE AT FOUR YEARS OLD, to her mocking my LONG GONE ENJOYMENT OF MY NOW NON-EXISTENT SEX LIFE.

This last round with her was such a fucking nightmare. I never wanted to see her again. I’M GRATEFUL TO KNOW I’LL NEVER HAVE TO, not even in court. PRAISE “GOD.” 

She ticked every box in the cycle of abuse outlined above. 

One of my brother’s friends used me for sex and she JUST HAD TO BRING IT UP, as if I’m not RAW AS HAMBURGER. Fuck that douche and HER. I hope she gets to spend her GOLDEN YEARS BEHIND BARS, as she ought to have been MANY TIMES.

She THINKS this blog is about her. NOT EVER. It’s actually ABOUT ME AND WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH BECAUSE OF HER. She thinks you guys know who she is, AS IF YOU GIVE A Fuck ABOUT HER?

Nobody does.

That’s why nobody cares about me.

She was so nice on the phone. She half-assed got me there, then used me as a punching bag, since the others in her life are precious COMMODITIES WHOM she’s really nice to, since SHE IS WAITING TO GET SOMETHING FROM THEM.

I’m so excited to turn my entire life over to a stranger who’s DOING WHAT MY FAMILY COULD, WOULD AND SHOULD HAVE DONE, if I WASN’T EVER LOYAL TO HER. I have no choice. I’ve been forced to choose one predator over the other. I’d prefer a large, volatile  man who, hopefully, will kill me, over THE FUCKING “SYSTEM” any day of the week.

“God-Speed.”

I’ve tried to do it myself  FOR YEARS, but no amount of vodka could make that happen. I’m also afraid to be stuck in hell, even though that IS ALL MY LIFE HAS BEEN SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW HER. Man, I AM FUCKING STUPID.

She isolated me from my family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, accomplishments, AND, SHE DESTROYED MY GOALS ALL OF MY LIFE.

She used coercive control from the time she learned about “TOUGH LOVE.” She stole my education by dragging me from place to place THIRTY SEVEN TIMES BEFORE I WAS A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL. 

SHE MADE FUN OF ME FOR BEING “stupid” instead of helping me get meds for ADHD (THE ONLY REASON I’D EVER USED STIMULANTS AND NEVER WILL AGAIN-self medication IS A THING)  when the school sent me for testing at seven.

She berated me for “COSTING THREE-FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS” when my wisdom teeth came in at sixteen. 

I quit school TO BE FREE OF THAT AND HER AS SOON AS I EARNED MY FIRST DOLLAR.

My blood still thinks I did it for drugs.

I’ve NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR DRUGS, aside from the one time I’d bent over and wound up pregnant, forced to have an abortion I’M AGAINST.

I was starved out of my job at the finest restaurant in San Diego by someone I’d loved who made my non-welcome crystal clear. It hurt so much, I needed to be numb. I’ve often wondered what might be of my life, had I chose birth instead of murder.

The abortion, was, of course, botched by the idiot doctors. I was bleeding through a maxi pad every three minutes.

My mother forced me to take the bus to an emergency DNC, since, she said,  “I HAD TO GO TO WORK THE DAY AFTER MY ABORTIONS.”

I could have bled out, but WHAT THE Fuck DID SHE CARE? She convinced my brother to help her kick me out around the same time, based ON LIES.

This CRIMINAL GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING-fake social security numbers, hot checks, massive theft, V.A. Fraud, etc. SHE HATES ME AND WANTS ME DEAD. WHY the Fuck hasn’t she SHOT ME, as I WISH SHE WOULD.

THAT MIGHT REQUIRE
MICROCOSM OF KINDNESS
SHE’LL NEVER POSSESS. 

It was so cool to come home from a hard days work to find myself locked out of my own apartment by people sitting on MY COUCH WITH MY DOG ON THEIR LAP.

Fortunately, San Diego has laws to protect people from that shit. My “God” do I wish ANYWHERE ELSE DID.

HER COERCION AND THREATS KEEP ME FROM TRUSTING A MOTHER-FUCKING THING anyone does or says. 

Her actions MADE ME HATE LIFE.

She used intimidation. 
She put me down ALL OF LIFE.
She went out of her way to make me feel bad about myself. 
When that didn’t work, SHE USED HER LOSER FRIENDS AND MY OWN TO DO IT.
She gas lit me.
She played mind games.
She’s humiliated me over and over.
She’s always: 
Minimized, blamed and denied MY EVERY WANT AND NEED, while stealing any hope I’d ever had.
Everything is, supposedly, MY FAULT.
How could that be, since SHE HAS PREVENTED ME FROM DOING ANYTHING AT ALL WITH MY LIFE, especially things that might lift me up?

She ruined EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I’D EVER TRIED TO HAVE.

She couldn’t even allow me to escape homelessness SHE CAUSED OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

She convinced me to leave my clothes, doctors, apartment-“I’ve got PLENTY OF MONEY. I have that here. I’ll get that for you. There are tons of doctors here. You can get your glasses. “I’ll help you!”

“COME HOME.”

Where I was completely isolated from everything, including MY OWN FUCKING MAIL SHE IS CURRENTLY HOLDING ON TO OR TOSSED AWAY JUST LIKE HER KIDS AND GRAND-BABY.

It was so great to walk into her filthy, unpacked dump to find my once cherished things dug through and sorted to suit her. She claimed to “feel bad:”

She treated me like a slave ALL OF MY LIFE. I thought we’d gotten past all that shit, until she became enraged over my defense of my brother and his girlfriend and my nephew, whom “You’re NEVER GONNA MEET,” thanks to her. 

The TENSION BEGAN AS SOON AS SHE’D REALIZED HER FIRST GOAL. 

I thought MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, she’d be different. Maybe, just maybe, she might take an interest in ME AND MY NEEDS. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I could convince her to let my brother be he and me be me.

She mocked my illness. She practically strangled her new pug to keep him away from me, even though HE LOVED ME AND DESPERATELY WANTED TO COMFORT ME THROUGH HER ABUSE.

She got rid of the rest of my family the exact same way she did my brother when she conned me out of my graduation walk at Emerson for Vegas, where she lived on MY DIME FOR EIGHT FUCKING YEARS, as she sat on her ass and robbed REAL VETERAN’S AND ME.

The difference this time is I’M GROWN. I’m not going to engage. I also DESPERATELY NEED A SAFE PLACE TO STAY. 

I’m also not afraid of a fucking thing, besides dying a bottom-feeder’s paycheck. I QUIT THAT BEFORE HER, but still, SHE HAD TO MAKE SURE I COULDN’T MOVE FORWARD.

She’d been stalking me on line all of these years, then pounced when she heard how horrid I was doing, AS IF WHAT? What the fuck did she want? 

A PUNCHING BAG.

As usual.

She was “horrified” by how ugly I am now. She sent me to my room, as if I am a kid. 

She pretended to give me back my stuff.
She said she planned to buy me another pug.
She then called me names, including my favorite, “CUNT.”.
She talked down to me.
She made fun of me.
She also lied to the police about me AGAIN.
She is so good at being phony, it MAKES ME SICK, literally., just as she LOVES ME TO BE.
I spent a fortune on food I had to leave behind to rot, just like her and all of the years of filth she hoards, as if.

She’ll ever have a life.

She let me out three times. I’ve been unable to secure care in Florida until I got to Daytona, where I’m going to run out of the meds that keep me stable.

She has no intention of helping anything, besides her need to control her DECEIT.

I’m not the one. 
Trust me.
She should have left well enough alone.
This IS REPEAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
Even though the cops in her area are STUPID, doesn’t mean everyone is.

I’m moving into a luxury apartment with absolutely nothing and nobody, aside from a man who’s doing what my family OUGHT TO DO, yet refused all of my life because of her. 

I cannot even care if this works out.
I just want to be safe, inside, even if I live on the floor, WITH NOTHING.

My mother is too lame and weak to actually HIT
me anymore. Like the scumbag she is, SHE USES THE COPS AND HER MADE-UP THIRTY YEARS LATER (from MY HOUSE SHE DESTROYED WHEN SHE USED ME AND MY BOYFRIEND’S family in college) “disabled veteran’s” status soon to be gone forever.

Thanks so much, “MOM.” 

STAY TUNED.

  

Saturday, September 24, 2022

CUNTESSA DID IT AGAIN




Hi Dolls!

How’s it? Me. Well. I’ve hoped, prayed, tried, and done EVERY POSSIBLE THING I COULD THINK OF to recover from CUNTESSA’S disgusting eviction of me in February of 2011. 

As you may or may not know, I was cyber-stalked to Asheville by a mini CUNTESSA who forced my precious Tolstoy and I into the streets where we where MURDERED for what I now know to be defraudment of a “system” I cannot wait to expose and TEAR APART.

Tolstoy’s gone forever, while I still wish the bitch had shot me. 

Instead, I’ve suffered crimes against humanity NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE OR KNOW HAPPENS RIGHT UNDER THE UNITED STATES OF GLUTTONY’S NOSE. I know exactly what, how, when and where my flesh has been used. I also know the people I’ve co-habituated and been stigmatized into being NEED MY VOICE-I’m coming back TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN BEFORE IN WAYS I COULDN’T ever before.

I’m happy. I’m sober. I’ve gotten treatment and medications for my actual diagnosis, which IS A FAR CRY FROM THE NARRATIVE MY “Mother” still spews. She’s used me as a scapegoat for HER DISGUSTING DRUG ADDICTION ALL OF MY LIFE.

Her bullshit STOLE MY FAMILY.

I’m so sorry for all the times I’d rescued her-the things I could have done and been are gut-wrenching now that I’ve witnessed how grotesque she’s become. She’s OLD, ugly and high AF 24/7-at 75 she loves dabs so much SHE STOLE ALL THE PLANT MEDICINE I’D shipped, even though SHE HAS POUNDS SENT TWICE A YEAR AND A SCUMBAG, BEAST REALATOR TO BRING HER AS MUCH QS SHE WANTS ANY OLD TIME. 

She actually held me hostage without a way to get my mail without her GOD-DAMNED HELP AND PERMISSION.

THREE TIMES in two months and two days. Can you imagine? Ugh.

Her house is in a retirement community that spans three counties! What. A. FUCKING. CUNT.

Exposing and changing the way we deal with homelessness will be my next mission. I’ve spent YEARS IN SILENCE WITH THE BOOK I’ve, finally, decided to write any way I can.

For now, please know, you haven’t heard from or seen me much in all of these years because “The System” is in place to KILL PEOPLE WHO KNOW NO BETTER. I’ve suffered through wasted years, as I’ve continued to fight for “stable housing,” I ALMOST HAD, until CUNTESSA flew in on her broom stick TO PULL THE RUG RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME!

There’s so much I plan to write about what’s happened to me during the past nightmare, yet for now I NEED TO SHARE WHAT I’ve learned by being desperate enough to allow that BITCH, who claimed to “love me, miss me, have plenty of money to help me, in a huge house” matched with an even bigger desire to see me again. She claimed to have expected me to “come home” within a few weeks after she COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED ME AND MY LIFE.

It took EIGHT HORRIFIC YEARS FOR ME TO GET OFF THE STREETS SHE PUT ME ON SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO STEAL MY STUFF and to destroy everything I’d worked to EARN IN SPITE OF HER.

Her last words to me in 2011 where, I’ve never gotten to accomplish my dreams, SO WHY SHOULD YOU?”

We ALL KNOW I WILL; however, couldn’t she leave well enough alone? 

This last time got her so riled up, SHE TOSSED ME OUT THE DOOR WITH A RAGING FUNGAL INFECTION, more lies to the police, and an insistence I’m the “vile and disgusting one.”

Not QUITE.

In fact, I’ve realized exactly why she and I never got along AND I’d done my level best to get her to realize SHE WAS, IS, AND WILL FOREVER BE WRONG.

She brought me to her dump where she’s hoarded five of everything you can think of AND STILL SLEEPS ON THE BED I EARNED BY UPRIGHT WORK, unlike HER.

It took less than a week for me to realize she’d brought me “home” to HER PRISON in an attempt to change the narrative of our lives, as IF I HADN’T SUFFERERED HER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ALL OF MY LIFE. 

She’s ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS. This time, she got upset because I HAVE MULTIPLE HIGH LIMIT CREDIT CARDS (I’m paying off in credit counseling due to “housing authority CORRUPTION). I pay ALL OF MY BILLS on a tiny fixed income. Of course, I’ll always trump her! “The most I EVER GOT IS $480!’

PATHETIC BITCH.

It’s pretty simple to keep GOOD AND/OR EXCELLENT CREDIT, unless you’ve spent a lifetime conning everyone and everything around you into A LOAD OF CRAP! 

For example, most banks don’t like extending credit to NON-VETERAN’S WHO STEAL PENSIONS BASED ON LIES, then refuse to pay the mortgage she ALSO STOLE FROM MEN AND WOMEN WHO ACTUALLY SERVED OUR COUNTRY!

It makes me sick to have slept outside with men and women my “mother” used me to TO ROB.
She’ll get her day, JUST LIKE ME. 

For now, I’m not interested in whining about how she threw me into the streets without anything I needed, bought or had hoped based on “promises” she’s never been able to fulfill.

Of course, I knew it could go South; however, nobody told me she was a two-hundred dollar ride to anywhere I NEED AND WANT TO BE.

The days since she threw me out where furiously HORRID. 

Everything I own in the world now fits in a back pack, as my gorgeous PURCHASES where stolen by junkies on Daytona Beach, where I also lost Tolstoy’s ashes. I hope they’ve tossed my baby’s body in the ocean instead of the trash can. I ALSO HOPE THEY HAD A BLAST WITH WHATEVER THEY GOT BY SELLING THE LAST OF MY GORGEOUS! Oh the windfall makes me want to vomit, but I KNOW MONEY BURNS, SHIT GETS STOLEN AND PEOPLE WILL TURN ON YOU.

The ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO ME IS HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER AND HOW WE FEEL ABOUT LIFE. 

I’ve excelled at BOTH. I cannot wait to tell you all about it through the book that’s almost written! It’s gonna blow anything I MIGHT  have done in the past AS FAR AWAY AS CUNTESSA. Stay tuned! 

QUICK SIDE NOTE: please bear with me as I navigate the learning curve of coming back to blogging-I’m struggling to learn how to post like I used to, but things take time! 

Last, I want to say, my brother has turned out to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, especially since I’d only been allowed to do so as the REAL ME, recently. CUNTESSA was helll-bent to Fuck that up, too, which breaks my heart into a zillion pieces, especially for how it went down. 

I’m desperate to reach him; however, he and everyone else have been fooled by actions and lies instilled by a woman who hasn’t ever had a “motherly” bone in her body. I’m devastated; however, working hard to get to a place where he might be willing to try again.

In the meantime, I also need to let him know I love him. I’m sorry. I’ll also never do a single thing I’ve done in the past EVER AGAIN.

Onward and UPWARD.

‘Till Next Time,

STAY REAL.
Go-Go Rach

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Happy New Year 2021!









Hi. 

 Yes. It's been a long time. So much has happened. There's so much to say, but, at the same time, there's nothing at all to say; that's why I've said nothing. At all. For quite some time.

Instead, I've been learning. So. Much. SO FUCKING MUCH. I've learned about myself. Life. People. CONNECTION.

In the spirit of New Year's Eve, I want to tell you what I'm grateful for: I'm grateful to know how it feels to be GRATEFUL-something I often said, without a clue what that word meant.

I'm grateful to be safe. I'm grateful to be responsible. I'm grateful to be loved. I'm grateful to love. I'm grateful to be a Yankee. I am grateful to be home. I came back to Boston to rescue a life stolen by a state that hates the government for the DECLARATION OF THE CIVIL WAR. 

It's a long story. I will tell you soon. For now, the greatest blessing I have to share about my gratitude is CONNECTING with others in the world I used to hate. The world I thought was useless. The world I put on hold until...the world became...

the place where I live.


'Till Next Time.

STAY REAL.
xo #gogorach



Thursday, March 10, 2016

JUST LIKE THAT


What's Shaking, Peeps?

Long time, yes?

Saturday, December 12, 2015

SWEET DREAMS!


The past five years have been filled with changes made with hope to fix the one thing I'll never get back, my old life. Call me stubborn or sick or whatever. It's hard to believe how long it took to realize what you probably knew all along. Life, as I once knew it, was over the second I left my mother's house. I imagine my demise must of been painful to watch. I'm sorry I put you guys through that. Thank God, I'm over it. 

Friday, March 20, 2015

DREAM CHECK FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 2015


Today is the first day of Spring, which makes for an exponential opportunity to begin the first day of the rest of our lives, wouldn't you agree? 

Finally, my life has come full circle to a place filled with opportunity for me to finally start the re-start to my re-start-over in ways that suit ME as a person who has fully extricated my mind, body and spirit from every single horror I learned whilst in THE CULT.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I'M IN THE HOME-STRETCH



How many times have I said I got this, then failed? Not enough, but plenty, says the THE POST MODERN JOB.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

LIVING THE DREAM

One Hundred Percent FREE.


Hi. My name is Rachel G. I am happy, self-actualized, free-thinking, outspoken and I love every single second of my life because I refuse to allow anyone or anything to define the brilliant, amazing and extraordinary being that is ME.

DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.
*STINKIN THINKAS UNITE!*


*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.