My mother has agreed to take care of Tolstoy and she says she will let me come back for him and my things. I cannot go to my uncle's house in L.A. because his wife had emergency surgery. So, I am sitting in a coffee shop weighing my options.
I have none at the moment.
I guess I can go to a shelter, but I am very scared of what that will be like. I'm sure all of the Alcoholics Anonymous assholes are laughing at me now, but it has nothing to do with drinking, or not drinking. Subscribing to THE CULT or not subscribing.
It has to do with trusting the wrong person.
My own mother.
She has done this to me before.
I know better.
Every other time she has fucked me over, I've had a job, or a bank account, so I was able to protect myself. Not this time. All I've got is a car that hasn't been paid for and nowhere to turn.
My father sent me three hundred dollars, which I will hang onto like it is the last money I will ever see. I feel like I have no reason to live anymore.
Tolstoy is the only real love I've ever known, and she has made it impossible for me to keep him. My heart is broken. I'm alone. I'm scared.
Today is the first day in a long time that I have contemplated suicide. I've never been truly homeless before. On the street, with nowhere to turn. I've never been without Tolstoy.
In eleven years, we've never been apart for more that a few weeks. I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to get it together. I've never been through this. I don't want to leave him. I love him. So much. But, I have no choice.
This hurts more than anything I've ever been through. But it's just temporary. I hope.
And just stuff.
Just the luxury of a key to a place to call home. I no longer have that. I have a car.
And...well, that will be gone soon, too.
This sucks so much because I am so close to all of my dreams coming true. I've gotta hang in there. How can I start a revolution if I am dead?
Remember, this whole thing started for me when my friend committed suicide. I cannot go down like that. I will not. Adam deserves more than that.
So do all the other victims of THE CULT.
This is just another level of strength in my independence and I am gonna hang in there. I won't give up.
I cannot.
So, I will remain.
And, I'm on the verge of the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, if I can just get settled, somewhere, to get back on my feet. I have a publisher that is waiting for my book to be finished.
That is what is keeping me going right now.
Just remember, the twelve step programs are not safe.
They had me so backward that I made amends to my mom over and over, while I kicked my father to the curb. He is the one I should have been developing a relationship with.
NO matter what ever happens, he is always here for me.
Even now, after I've been terrible to him so many times. He never deserved it.
When I get settled, I am gonna hang onto my Dad, and try to be the daughter that I could have been to him all of these years, if I wasn't in A.A.
All of those people turned on me, when I left THE CULT, because I am dangerous.
Relationships that were built over years, gone, just because I do not agree. I feel sad for myself right now, but even more sorry for them.
At least I have my heart, soul, emotions and thoughts to myself.
Yes. I am alone.
The only love I've ever known has been taken from me by the woman who wants to hurt me the most, my own mother. I have myself and that is what matters.
I will try to post as often as I can during this journey. Please hang in there with me. I WILL BE BACK.
Until next time-whenever that is,
