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Boston, MA, United States

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Fuckin' A.  This Hurts.  So fucking much.  I just left my heart and mostly everything I own at my mother's house to drive to Oakland, where I will stay with a friend from college who I haven't seen in many many years.  Thank the universe I do not have to sleep on the streets tonight.  I feel broken.  I've been through a lot of shit, but this has gotta take the cake, I think.  Unless "God" has more in store for me.  Who the fuck knows?

Every time I walk through another trauma, I think it will be the last time, but at nearly forty years old, I have no hope.  I feel like it just continues to be dumped on me.  Oh man, I miss my Tolstoy.  I cannot believe this is how it went down. 

My mother did not even look at me when I walked out the door.  Not even good bye.  Thanks for playing the fucked up mother game.  See ya.  Have a nice life.  Nothing.  I am fucking  horrified and disgusted that this is how it is.  But THIS IS HOW IT IS.  No wonder why I have been so fucked up.

She has said hardly three words to me, since she tossed me onto the street, aside from that she wishes I could bring Tolstoy with me and get a storage unit for my stuff.  Well, no one can ever have it all, now can we?

While we are on the subject of wishes, there are a lot of things that I wish.  I wish I could take my dog, I wish I had some time to find a place to go.  I wish I had a family.  I wish I had a boyfriend, no actually a husband would be great.  I wish I had children.  And my own something in the world. 

And, sweet mcjesus, I wish I had a mother that gave a rat's ass, or had an ounce of compassion for anyone, besides herself.  But, you know what they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  Oh, how I wish...

Until next time.

DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.

*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.