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Boston, MA, United States
I don’t need an introduction.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

So What if I Smoke Weed???

I've been in and out of the halls of various rehabs and 12-step programs since my mom forced me into the first one at the ripe age of seventeen.  I had already been partying for three years, which began when I was finally hired at a posh inn located right on the water in the small New England town where I lived.  I still remember the way I haunted the managers once a week for two summers because I really wanted to work there.  Finally, in a somewhat exasperated voice, a woman on the other end of the phone line said "oh, just come in on Sunday evening."

With a clap and a giggle, I put down the phone and got ready for my first job interview ever, which consisted of me working with another bus person to set up the restaurant for dinner.  In the eighteen  months or so (I think) I worked there I had a lot of firsts, and drinking was on top of that list.

Gawd, I absolutely LOVED that job!  Just having a job was the most amazing feeling in the world (and still, getting paid is on top of my favorite things to do list!).  Not only did I have my own money to spend anyway I wanted, but I also made a bunch of new, cool, older than me friends to hang out with.  And hang-out we did.  Every night of the week!

Sloe Gin fizz was what was suggested to me, the virgin drinker, at my first official work Christmas party (yes, back then they still could call a holiday by its original name). Boy did I think that was a most delicious drink indeed!  They went down like fruity pop and I remember, I had quite a few...

Alcohol was first, then came pot, then coke (it was the late eighties), then mushrooms, acid, and finally crack (in the form of freebasing, but IT IS THE SAME THING).  Not necessarily in that order.  But these are the drugs I did before I landed in rehab for the first time, which did not even remotely stick.  I wasn't sure if I really needed to be there, but I knew I was not getting sober yet.  My partying had just begun, as far as I was concerned, I had many more years of fun left in me to go!  Also, I was not the one with the problem at that time.  I was certain it was my mom; or that is what I tried to convince the staff at the center.

Yup.  No problem here. I remember trying unsuccessfully to set up an escape for the night of my eighteenth birthday (yes, I frickin' was in rehab!)  so I could party it up.  I waited and waited outside, but my ride never showed. I also got involved with a cute, blond, football jock who was hooked on PCP, and I spent most of my time and energy in rehab for the first time flirting with him, fooling around with him or trying to fool around with him.  It was a constant battle with my then counselor to be able to keep it going, but I listened to NO ONE.

You have to give a young player credit, I was brutally honest with everyone about my drug and alcohol habits and my intentions with the boy.  Even back then, I was not gonna lie about who I am.  My history concerned everyone, especially the director of the program.  He and my counselor tried their best to get me to accept long-term treatment in the form of a half-way house.  Of course I was adament in my refusal to go.  The one thing that stuck with me were my counselor's last words when I was on my out the door:  you will be in jail, an institution, or dead, if you do not accept help.

"Thanks for sharing" was my reply.  Of course, it was less than a year later that I was busted for aiding and abetting an armed bank robbery.  Who would have thought?  I went back to rehab after my arrest and stayed for NINE months while I awaited sentencing.  This was mostly because I was involved in an illicit affair with my much older than me, lesbian counselor who had nearly ten years of "sobriety" when we met.

She took advantage of me big time after I admitted to her in a session that I had been dreaming about her and I getting it on.  Her response was:  "well, I am your counselor, but I am also human."  The horns went up, and the player jumped in because I knew I had her...little did I know I was the one being played...twelve years of sexual confusion followed this relationship for me.  Am I gay?  NOPE.  It was twelve years before I finally got myself straight.  Fuck you VERY MUCH.

After prison, I stayed sober for five years until I got completely bored.  I celebrated my anniversary with my group and the very next day smoked a joint and had some beers with my then live-in lover (and the only other person I have loved besides the married dude - we'll talk about these two later).  I remember she was frightened when we were at the bar.  I took offense to her concern because she had once been an in AA herself and now was able to smoke weed and have two oil cans at the end of her day.  Why would she be concerned about me?

After five years of going to AA, I bought into their ideology that you MUST lose all if you go out and I went for it.  It is sad, really, when I look back on the destruction I caused.  It was not necessary at all.  If I could have just stepped back and looked at the situation from a place of strength and understanding within myself, I may have been okay.  Unfortunately, like many addicts who relapse, I took these words to heart.  I drank and drugged with abandon that time, losing everything, including my love in the end.

I had been in and out of the rehab and the halls for nearly 21 years and I stopped going to AA in May of this year.  For good, unless I get way off track.  It's been an interesting year, but time will tell.

The reasons I stopped going to AA are numerous, and I will tell you guys all about it as my story unfolds.

Like any other self-help program, or book, I took what I need and RAN AWAY from the rest when I woke up to the fact that Twelve Step Programs are a CULT that is more of a social club for the sickest of the sick.

In spite of the truth, I will forever be grateful to all the mentors and support I have encountered throughout my 12-step career.  I've worked the steps multiple times with a few different sponsors.  I've learned that I do not have to run a scam and most importantly how to live my life without doing that.  Also, I understand, accept and have come to embrace every single part of myself, especially the BAD parts.  When I left THE CULT, I discovered there are good parts of me, too.  Thank GAWD.

Finally, I know what I want out of life and I am able and willing to do the work to get there.  I attribute all of my growth to my GROWING THE HELL UP, not TWELVE STEP DOGMA.

No matter what path you take on this planet, I firmly believe that you get what you put out there, and practice has turned my life around.  I don't lie, steal, or cheat anymore, and I believe I get more than I could ever wish for in return by just doing the right thing, even when it is hard.

Years of experience has taught me that it is the alcohol that always gets me in the end. I drink too much, black-out, and may end up in Tahiti if I am not babysat.  I cannot get hammered on alcohol in safety, fact is NO ONE CAN, so I just don't do it anymore.  Other than that, I am happy and free to manage myself and my life as I see fit.  This may not work for all and it is a dangerous proposition that I do not recommend for others to try.  It has worked for me, just sayin.'

I just truly do not believe "forever sobriety" is the answer or even possible (for me).  Am I an addict?  Of course.  We all are.  Human beings are full of flaws.  I have overdone it a bunch of times on food, booze, drugs, sex, hobbies, exercise.  My list could go on an on.  Really, it could.  For now, I don't wanna spend my time in meetings fretting about what once was, or the bad experiences I've had.  I've moved away from that - so what if I smoke weed?  I got a card.

That's what's up!

What do you think about "forever sobriety?" Hit me.  I'm ready!

Live Like You Mean It!

Go-Go Rach

DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.

*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.