THE DIARY OF A CHICK WHO WALKED AWAY FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (THE CULT)
Monday, October 25, 2010
No Shit, Sherlock
One of my dearest friends who lives in the Bay Area got married in May of this year. He invited me up to his home to attend his wedding and house sit during the honeymoon. I love weddings, so I was thrilled to be invited and I looked forward to spending some time in a part of California I'd never seen before.
The rehearsal dinner was scheduled for the night of my arrival. The first thing I did when I got to the couple's sprawling Victorian home was take a nap. I was exhausted from the ten hour drive from San Diego to Alameda, a small island nestled between Oakland and San Francisco.
Two hours later I woke refreshed and ready to get dressed for the evening. I took a long shower and I was looking gorgeous in time to ride with the bride and groom to dinner. I felt happy and excited to spend the evening with old and new friends.
We met invited guests at the local yacht club for a fabulous surf and turf. The lodge was beautiful. I was having a wonderful time chatting with some of the bride's maids at a table close to the windows of the restaurant. Glass spanned the floor to the ceiling exposing a view of the beautiful marina surrounding the club. The windows showcased massive yachts owned by its members.
The weather was perfect, with a sky full of stars and a huge, glowing moon.
The food was positively delicious. I enjoyed my steak, while the bride's sister cracked me up with silly banter. Suddenly, I felt an urge to look behind me. I have no explanation for why I felt this, but I was happy I obeyed because in walked a crazy-sexy man, whom I found myself immediately and intensely attracted to.
As he made his way into the room. I felt as though I was the romance character in a great love story. I swear time stopped, then went into slow motion. All I could see was him. He was smiling and looking at me while he moved passed me en route to the Groom's table. Our eyes were locked, the crowd of guests seemed to disappear.
He stared at me with a grin on his face while he conversed with our friend. Finally, I turned away to finish my meal. I made a mental note to get the dirt on him before the night was over, but he made his way to my table in plenty of time for us to meet and get to know each other. I have to say, I was instantly smitten by this funny, intelligent and totally hot man.
As we talked, I found out my new attraction is my engaged friend's boss whom I had spoken to, briefly, on the phone more than a year before. I barely remember our prior conversation, but I was fully engrossed in the one we where having that night. He had the most incredible blue eyes and an amazing smile. I knew from the second I met him that I could spend forever listening to him talk. Our meeting was intense.
We had a great time hanging-out for the rest of the night. I gave him my number as we walked to our cars. The wedding was the next day and I was really looking forward to seeing this very interesting dude again.
Grace put me across the room from the front door of the Church where the wedding took place. Mr. handsome, soon to be single, walked in and saw me right away. Time stopped again as he made his way toward me. As seemed usual by now, he was grinning widely. My heartbeat sped up, my clit started to throb and I could not stop smiling. I felt as though I'd entered a dream. Excitement, combined with heat embraced me.
He sat in a chair right next to me and was close enough that I could smell him. His cologne was spicy with a little bit of sweet, which was enough to make me feel light-headed. He looked good, he smelled good, and I have never felt so attracted to anyone I've met before. I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to touch him. It seemed as though I had known him forever in a way that made me feel totally comfortable and at ease immediately.
After the wedding, we spent the rest of the day giggling, talking, teasing, and enjoying ourselves. I was amazed by him and how much we had in common. He impressed me with some very exciting interests, including dirt bikes, being outdoors, having a good time and going on adventures. He was my kind of man and it had been a very long time since I had been interested in anyone. This crush was long over-due!
When the reception was over we went for ice cream, then made plans for a date the following evening. Our first date lasted more than two months while he took me out to breakfast, lunch and dinner all over the Bay Area. We shared some great times eating in wildlife parks and getting it on outdoors.
One of our rendezvous was to an amusement park where we took the same ride at least fifteen times. He likes a rush as much as I do and we are an ideal match. He taught me how to ride a dirt-bike in an evening, then we went away to the mountains for the most romantic, fun and exciting weekend of my life.
I fell head over heels in love. I held nothing back from him. I would have gone anywhere and done anything to be with him. It did not matter to me what he had planned, I knew I was going to have the time of my life. I felt I had completely lucked out, for once, and happiness was finally available to me. I truly adored every single thing about this man, except for the fact that he was married and in the middle of what turned out to be a very messy separation from a woman who could manipulate him in an instant.
Nothing I could say would convince him not to tell her about us. He thought it would bring closure to their situation. Unfortunately, the only thing his honesty did was blow the wounds wide open for both of them. When she found out about me she did what most women would do in her situation; whatever was necessary to get him back. I don't blame her. She had never worked a day in her life and was kept in the best of everything as a suburban housewife in a very wealthy neighborhood.
Now faced with having to move out of their dream house and unable to live on the amount of support she would be getting from him, she did what she had to do in order to avoid homelessness. Her tactics worked like a charm. He changed and it was fucking horrible.
Suddenly the man I expected and wanted to spend forever with started acting weird. For the first time since I knew him, he wasn't available to answer my texts or calls right away. I was in Las Vegas, picking up my clothes and bedding, since I had decided to re-locate to be with him. One night he simply disappeared. In spite of several tries, I could not reach him. I thought I would go mad, so I took something to help me relax. When he finally returned my calls at 2 am with a lame story about how his phone had died while he was out, I was fast asleep.
My frustration and disappointment reached it peak just as the inevitable happened: he completely blew me off. We made plans to get together on Father's Day when he would be finished hanging out with his kids. He was supposed to come pick me up for dinner. He did not show up, call, or even send a courtesy text to let me know something was up.
In spite of my feelings for him, I knew exactly what was going on and this experience was brutal. He had been complaining about how much it was going to cost to separate from his wife. In the end he decided it was cheaper to keep her.
Of course, I was the last to know. I will tell you something, he may as well have been cutting me open with an ax. The hurt burned deep inside me. I was appalled at how he was treating me. We sent a few texts back and forth. He apologized profusely, with a promise to call me the next day.
If I was in hot water with someone, especially a person I supposedly love, I would be dialing their number as early as I could get away with to straighten things out. Would you? Well, married dude waited until 4:30 pm to get in touch with me. By the time my phone rang, I was absolutely dumbfounded. I dismissed his call to voice mail, then was disgusted by his presumption. "It's me, baby, I want to come see ya." Anger ripped through my soul as I sent a text. I had no desire to see him now that it was clear to me where I fell on his priority list: the bottom.
My stomach churned. In spite of denial over the two and a half months of sheer bliss we spent together, I understood it was very possible he and his wife may get back together.
Naturally, I did not want to believe he would deceive me, but he did. I know he did not mean to do it, nor did he want to. It was a complicated situation with a lot of assets, children, and a nineteen year history that I couldn't compete with. Aside from that, I believe this man may be the love of my life and his happiness was more important to me than anything I could want for myself. I had to let him go.
We did not communicate at all over the next two days. Not being with him was physically painful. I have outgrown my suicidal ideology, but I truly felt it would not have sucked if I did die right then. I could not sleep, eating became a chore. I was utterly paralyzed by my sadness. I remained in my bed for two full days, only rising to feed and walk my pug, Tolstoy. I thought the silence would kill me.
When mourning became unbearable, I sent a text stating I needed to see him. I was thrilled when he offered to take me to breakfast on Friday morning; two agonizing days away. Time ticked by as I anxiously waited for our date. I felt a sense of excitement and promise that we still had a shot.
Fortunately, I was up and almost ready when he arrived two hours earlier than we planned. He felt the same way I did. He couldn't wait to see me. I opened the door to let him in and for the first time since we met I felt uncomfortable and awkward - there was egg on my face and I did not like it.
Right away, I asked him questions about what the hell was going on. My heart sank when he admitted they decided to try again until Christmas. I could not believe it. This was the very last thing I ever would have allowed myself to think may happen. My brain hurt when the truth was revealed. Panic took over my body as thoughts of life without him clouded my mind. He was going back to his wife. OMG. I had to ask him, "Are you back in the marital bed?" His response made me sick to my stomach: "I have been."
That was the deal breaker for me. Now I was furious. I told him in no uncertain terms that thing between his legs belongs to me and is not to be used by anyone else unless I consent. He looked at me blankly as I cursed him. I called him a typical man who thought it was okay for him to have sex with his wife behind my back. He was nothing more than a cheater! The words flew off my tongue. I thought we were in it together It turns out he had just been stepping out on his wife and kids with with me.
What an utter disappointment! I thought I might vomit. I could not stand to look at him for one more second. I wanted him out of my sight.
He began to cry when I asked him to leave. His response enraged me. Why was he was so sad about something he chose? I walked him to the door, slammed it shut behind him, then let out a loud scream.
I could not breathe. The air in the large apartment I had rented to be near him was suffocating me. I was gasping for air. I decided to take Tolstoy for a walk. My little man knew something was wrong. He licked my face as tears flooded my cheeks. I gave him a tight hug. A dog's love is magical sometimes.
Let's go outside buddy. His curly tail wagged as I put his leash on him. I opened my apartment door and turned left to walk toward the elevator in my building. To my surprise, liar was standing right outside my apartment with his head in his hands. He was still crying. Again, I told him he had to go. I took him by the hand and we walked outside together.
By the time we reached his truck, we were both in tears. He was apologizing and I was telling him to save it for when it would mean something. I watched him as he climbed into his vehicle. While he drove away, I walked around the corner with my one and only constant companion. I felt grateful for my little angel dog. His presence helped me get through many a hardship in my life. I knew I could count on his love to get me through this one.
My mind went blank while we walked. I became aware of a lurid darkness taking over my heart, soul and mind. Once again, I thought, I am the butt of tragedy. I was already pissed over everything that had happened in my life, I was sure his leaving me would be the final blow. I was ready to give up.
My head felt heavy. I let it hang low in defeat, while my swollen eyes focused on the ground. My heart was broken. I felt more sad than I had ever been in my life over anything or anyone. If humans were breakable, a million shards of glass would lay on the sidewalk instead of me. I questioned everything I believed in; my hope was gone.
The married dude and I broke up a little over three months ago. Since he's been gone, I've tried multiple ways to deal with the pain in my soul. First, I began abusing substances that are really no good for me. When that stopped working, I began to pick my once flawless skin raw. I massacred my chin, creating scars on my face.
When vanity forced me to stop, I started plucking my pubic hair out one by one with tweezers. That fucking kills. The external pain seemed to sooth how I was feeling inside and solidified how I felt about myself after it was all over. I became convinced I am a worthless piece of shit who will never have a successful, long term relationship. Attacking my most private parts fit the punishment my utter shame deserved.
In an another effort to stub out my feelings, I decided to hell with relationships; I would just go out and get laid. I had NSA (casual encounters acronym for NO STRINGS ATTACHED) tattooed on my lower back and set out on a mission to find the perfect fuck who would be available to meet with me at least 3 times a week to keep me in my high-pro glo. I was certain lots of unbridled sex would take my mind off this guy that surely did not even deserve for me give him the time of day, let alone the entire scope of my being!
Believe me, I adore getting it on, but this whole NSA thing was a little strange for me. Casual sex is completely outside of the realm of my character. I had always reserved sex for a relationship. I rarely slept with a man in the first few months of dating, let alone in the first few minutes! In spite of feeling like I was playing a role in a film, I shut my brain off. I tried to enjoy the pursuit of sex without having to deal with the drama involved in relationships.
The NSA lifestyle was kind of exciting in the beginning, but the condoms and inevitable learning curve for new lovers got old. I did meet a couple of cool guys whom I see here and there to satisfy my needs, but I still really miss the married dude.
On top of everything, my fucking cummer is broken! I cannot get off anymore, even by myself! This has never been a problem for me. I've always had multiple orgasms that send me to the moon. Now I can't even have ONE. Not for the lack of trying. I am one frustrated bitch. He took my trust, my love and precious time. Why did pleasure have to abandon me too?
A few months ago I sent him an email that simply said "I still fucking wicked miss you," When he did not respond, I assumed he must have found happiness in his marriage. I did not make any other efforts to get in touch with him. To this day, I am still very much in love with him but, as always, his happiness is more important to me than my own.
Thinking he was happy did nothing for how I've felt since we broke up. Our affair was brief. We've been apart longer than we were together, but I still feel like I've had my ass kicked by a bunch of Ninja's. I want it to go away NOW. Right FUCKING NOW. I will never, ever, as long as I live date a man who is separated. Yeah, I learned from this, but really this is one of those experiences I wish I could cancel out of my life completely.
They say it is better to have loved then lost than to never have loved at all. I say that is a bunch of shit that can be thrown into the pile with other such nonsense like "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," and "everything happens for a reason." What a crock. I was not looking for a relationship when married dude showed up. I've never been that type of chick. I prefer my single, non attached life. What reason could there be for this to happen to me? And, while we are at it, who the hell are "they?"
What about "God? Is he/she/it even there? Really? I'm not so sure anymore. If so, there is a major dropping of the ball happening in my life. I'll tell you something, I've been given way too many things that I CANNOT handle over and over. I die a little bit more with each incident. I cannot imagine ANY reason why my feelings should be taken advantage of by selfish and dishonest people.
So yeah, if there is a God, I need a big fat favor: PLEASE KEEP THESE ASSHOLES AWAY FROM ME?" Hello? Are you there? Hellllllllllllllllooooooooooooooo????
Wow, I am praying, but I am pretty sure I am speaking to MYSELF, so does this mean I am "GOD?" Nobody really knows for sure. I guess time will tell. Rest assured, I have a list of questions I want to ask if and when I do come into contact with the master of the Universe. I want to know why he/she/it has ignored me my entire life.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if maybe poor suckers like me are entertainment for "God?" We sure seem to be for other people. I'm sure the higher power is laughing his ass off while watching me bounce around this fucking pin-ball machine that is my LIFE.
It seems to me that the ONLY thing this affair has accomplished for me is to suck up the remainder of time I had deliberately taken off from everything and everyone to finally write the book that's been inside me for years, but I am not going to finish it anytime soon. My life is has morphed into a nightmare that will not END.
I've been living like a pauper since May. I left my furniture at my mother's house in favor of a temporary, furnished living situation that was supposed to be my segue way into my ultimate, and very much appreciated BLISS. Now I cannot afford to get my stuff, so I sleep on a one and a half inch memory foam pad that lies directly on the cold, tile floor. The pad is surrounded by by piles of whatever would fit in my car when I moved to the Bay Area like the IDIOT I am.
Everything happens for a reason, right? What could possibly be the reason for my life being more fucked up than it has ever been even in the worst of it? Oh, yeah, this happened because I trusted and loved someone so completely that I was easily mislead and deceived. FUCKING AWESOME REASON RIGHT THERE!! HA HA. FUCK YOU!
On top of the facts that I have told you about so far, I am completely OUT OF MONEY and I have got to start generating some income in an economy that is putting Master's Degrees to work anywhere they can find find a job, even at McDonald's. Unemployment across the country is at a record high. Thousands of people are applying for single open positions.
As if this wasn't enough for an out of work artist to deal with I feel like fucking CRAP, and my precious Tolstoy, who has been the star of my eyes for ten years, hates me. I actually have to force the love of my life to hang out with me. There is a park across the street from where I live. I have to practically drag him to take a walk. FML.
My get up and go got up and went with the married dude. I know I need to get my shit together. I really, really want to. I just can't seem to even begin because it feels impossible to pull myself up by my bootstraps this time. I just don't have it in me to fix this. I do not know how to fix this. I keep trying to move forward, yet I am completely stuck in a rut of utter devastation and sadness that I try to hide behind sexy clothes, perfect make-up and a big smile on my face. I feel like I am dying. I am dead.
Just as I am finally getting used to my now defunct self esteem I get an email from the married dude. He says he thinks of me often, misses me and wants me to know that everything I warned him about his wife had happened and now they are splitting up for good.
Well, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK
Click here to read what happens next
Share the Go-Go Rachness! xoxo gogorach
DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)
"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"
That was incredible.
Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)
Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.
Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."
He post the following video at the end of his comment.
Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.
*STINKIN THINKAS UNITE!*
*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.
*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.