GRIEF, LOSS AND THE AGONY I FEEL FOR THE TRAGIC DEATH OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE - TOLSTOY EARNED HIS WINGS

My Angel, just a few months before we came to ASSVILLE.
May You Rest In Peace, Always and Forever xoxo
8/15/00 -8/9/12

My darling. Tolstoy, I am so sad that you are gone, but feel a strng sense of relief that you no longer have to suffer through the devastation that continues to consume my life.

You are much too precious to be subject to my never-ending stream of repeated traumas or the pain and sickness that took your life, as a result of all we've continued to go through.

I know you hung in with me as long as you could and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your unconditional love, loyalty and for always being there for me, with me, no matter what.

You are amazing, my little man! 

I love you so very much, miss you terribly and I look forward to the day we are reunited in Heaven, where I know you'll greet me with love and the sweet Angel kisses you used to shower me with every chance you got.

In the meantime, FLY, my sweet, FLY! Have fun with the other animals on Rainbow Bridge and say hello to the O.P. Dog for me!

You deserve to be the happy dog you used to be, until I made the biggest mistake of my life. 

Heaven will give you that.

In the meantime, please know that I love you more than anything or anyone in the entire world and I am so sorry for the way I messed everything up for us. I wish I could take it all back and I hope you will forgive me. I hope you  remember all the years we shared before this one, when we were safe, happy and Living the Dream!!

We sure had a lot of fun together, didn't we?

My favorite times were on the road, when we listened to music and explored anywhere everywhere we wanted to go.

I miss those days so much! It's hard to believe it's been nearly two years since we had a place to call "home." 

I am so sorry for how we've been forced to live. I wish I had the skills required to protect us from the vipers who hurt us over and over...

I still have no idea how to deal with them, aside from never answering the door or leaving the house, which makes for quite a lonely existence, doesn't it? 

I look forward to when we meet again. I hope it is very soon. I cannot take anymore of this and have given up all hope that life is ever going to get better for me.

Now that you are gone, I am completely alone. I feel lost without you! I have no idea what to do with myself and no reason to leave the house anymore, since I no longer get to take you outside.


My mind tries to tell me to feed you on schedule. Also I always have a nagging feeling that you must need to go out. 

Sometimes I think I see you and I often hear a whine similar to yours, I carry the beautiful wooden box that holds your ashes with me all the time and look forward to when I'll have the courage to move some of you into the crystal pendant I purchased to keep you close to my heart forever and ever.

Twelve years is a long time to be suddenly cut off from our life together. You will always be a part of me. Your presence in my life will remain deep in my heart...

God sent you to me when I needed you the most. I am grateful to Him for blessing me with the best dog in the world! 

Obedience came naturally to you. Even as a puppy, you were very well behaved. You never chewed anything, aside from your toys and house training was a breeze!This is why I always call y my angel dog sent directly to me from God. You are PERFECT! 

I cherish every moment we spent together and will never fill the void I feel in my soul, since you passed away. 

Even though it was difficult, I am glad I stayed by your side until the moment you took your last breath.

When I covered you with your favorite blanket, a calmness came over me. I know you are in good hands now.

God knows you are special and deserve much more than I am capable of. He took you to a better place just as I began to give up on everything, especially myself.

Let's face it, my love, I've cried every single day for an entire year. I rarely eat or sleep and I am so sad I can barely stand to get out of bed, that is when and if I actually make it to bed. 

As you know, I spend many nights awake until dawn because I am afraid to shut off the lights and monitor all nine windows in our place for thieves who may try to break in, after dark.

I know it must have been hard for you to deal with the fear that is the foundation for our existence. Please know that I cannot help the way I am now.

Life has really kicked our asses. 

We've been through too many horrors together, sweetheart. More than most and definitely more than our share.

This is no way for anyone to live, especially you, my Angel. You deserve to sleep and be free of the chronic anxiety that rules my existence. 

I feel terrible that all I did during the last months of your life, was to drown you in a sea of tears. I know you missed the me that raised you. 

I do, too. 

After all I've been through, I am afraid that I may never be that person again.

I'd rather you be in Heaven, with God, than with anyone else, where you will be showered with love, affection and the attention I haven't been able to give you for much too long.

I truly hope you are having fun and loving the after-life, free of pain. I picture you jumping and running through the clouds, like you used to play in our apartment, when we lived a half a block from the ocean, on Sunset Cliffs.

Remember how you used run around, jumping on the beautiful furniture that filled our amazing apartment? You were so cute! 

The game would begin on our gorgeous, queen-sized bed that I made every morning, as soon as we woke up. 

You'd hop right up and run around in circles, while I tried to make the bed, then you'd head into the living room, where you would pounce from the sofa to the couch to the chair, then onto the ottoman. 

Finally, you'd run around in circles while I did my best to catch you, with your adorable pug grin. 

You would make me laugh so hard, with your antics, that my eyes would swell with happy tears. 

Oh, how I love you! 

So. 

Much!


Next was time for the breakfast dance you performed as soon as I said you want your breakfast? 

You would get so stoked for your food that you'd bark and whine in a way that sounded like a song. You sang for your food all the time and it was so much fun to witness. 

You made every day special and I enjoyed every minute of all your crazy acrobatics. You sure had great balance, little man! 

Next we'd go for your morning walk, which was right along the top of the cliffs that frame the most beautiful view in the country. 

When you finished your business, we'd chill on a bench located right in front of the water for a minute to say hello to God. I had so much hope back then that we were on our way to somewhere...

Then, the economy shit the bed, while I was going to San Diego First Assembly of God Church, where I allowed a group of women dictate who I ought to take on for a roommate, since I couldn't afford the nearly 1500 a month rent anymore.

They said God would not bless me with a male roommate or a female who had a boyfriend. I tried my best to find a sober female, who was celibate and hopefully a Christian, which was never gonna happen in OB. 

I had to give up our place and had a nervous breakdown that landed me in the hospital for five days.

Everything turned to shit from then on.

Never in a million years did I expect we'd end up here.

Life really fucking sucks. I absolutely hate it, and I have begun to dread every single day. 

I hate to go to bed anymore because I am petrified of what horror the next day will surely bring.


Dear Tolstoy, I will always regret that your life was cut short here in a state we both hate and that you died, while we still suffer with fear. I wanted you to spend your last years in peace and harmony with me, happy. 

I will never forgive myself for the way your life ended. It was horrendous! Positively horrendous. 

I am so totally devastated that you had to go through all the shit we've been through over the past nineteen months and that you died an awful death in a building full of VIPERS!

We got the shaft, buddy.  If I had one wish fulfilled, it would be to turn back time to when we had it made.

Our Hell is just another example of how completely stupid I am and I now know that I must REALLY suck because I even lost you. 

No matter what I do, I am contantly reminded of just how stupid I am.


At this point, all I want is to die. I hope it wil happen soon, so I can leave this ugly world, full of broken, evil people who prey on people like me. I am fed up. I give up and I just want this nightmare to end. 

The only way I know that will happen is when I die. Believe me, I'm truly READY TO Go. The only reason I am still here is because I believe in God and His word states suicide is a sin that I am not willing to commit.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE MY CRACKHEAD LANDLORD, OR THE CRACK DEALER OR MAYBE ONE OF THE CRACKHEADS WHO POPULATE MY CRAPPY BUILDING WILL DO THE DEED?

In any case, love, I do hope to see ya soon with a giant smile on my face. I wish I could have gone with you that day, but they still won't euthanize people. OH WELL.

I'm positively miserable. 

My life is nothing but a big pile of shit. 

I am nothing. I have nothing and I want nothing but for the end to come - SOON! I'm sure it won't. 

Hell on earth seems to be my lot in life and I shall suffer through it with my chin up, even though I really, really do not want to.

So Tolstoy, I guess I will see ya when I see ya. I can't wait, my sweet angel pug!

With every single bit of my love and a big fat kiss! I Love you so very much and miss you like crazy!  

Rest In Peace, darling.

XOXO

Rachel