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| This amazing painting was created by one of the many INCREDIBLE women who volunteer at ROOMS AT THE INN (Thanks so much, Mary!)! |
When my mother threw me out, with no prior notice, in February of 2011, I was forced to leave behind nearly everything I owned, while I suffered through sheer hell for sixteen months.
It kills me to think about how close I was to mind-blowing success and LIVING THE DREAM that I worked my ass off for and imagined all my life only to have it ripped out of my hands by my supposed "family." I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.
Anyone who reads this blog knows where I was at and what I've been through, since the day my mother tossed me into the streets of Vegas to die.
In a little over a year, I lost everything, including Go-Go Rach. I have no idea who that woman is, since I am now so broken I can barely lift my head up, let alone think about "changing the world," as was my goal such a short time ago.
Everything I cared about in the world is gone now, thanks to my fucked up "family." The final blow happened when they "got rid of" my enormous book collection, college papers, framed diploma, precious photos, gifts from my late grandmother and every single one of my house hold items.
Of course, I'm devastated. However, STUFF can and will be replaced (aside from the non replaceable, but whatev.).
My immediate family can SUCK IT.
Every single one of them has betrayed me.
They may as well be dead.
At least, they're out of my life forever.
The sting of disappointment will pass in time.
When I wrote That's All, I was sure I had nothing left to lose.
Apparently, I was WRONG.
My relationship with Tolstoy is the longest I've had with anyone or anything, including my "family."
I adore him more than anything else in the entire universe.
He is my constant companion, Raison d'être and the most amazing dog I've ever met.
For nearly twelve years, his unconditional love has remained the one constant in my crazy life. No matter what happened, Tolstoy and I have gone through it together. I love him so much. I would do anything for him, including letting him go, if I ever thought it best for him.
His needs will always come before mine.
He's the child I never had. I'm committed to his well being as long as he lives. Without a shadow of a doubt, the WORST part of homelessness was the thought that I may lose my heart.
Believe me, I spent many sleepless nights, OUTDOORS, wondering if it was selfish to keep him with me. My conclusion was always the same. Tolstoy needs me, as much as I do him. He wants to be with me, no matter when or how that is.
Next to Tolstoy, I'm nothing.
My dog *rocks.*
Now that things have finally turned around for us, the love of my life's health is failing.
The worst part about it is how fast this decline happened.
Just as my "mom's" destruction of me and my dreams was instantaneous, my happy, energetic and exceptionally healthy pug is now so crippled by severe arthritis that he is unable to walk.
He was doing great, a little over a month ago!
All of a sudden, my poor little man drags his left, hind leg and yelps everytime I pick him up. He is in too much pain to snuggle, like we use to or, to shower me with sweet kisses before bed, as he has done for years.
He's been to the vet two times in the past month. Once for a urinary tract infection, then again when he began whining constantly, then lost his ability to move.
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHY NOW?
I AM NOT READY TO LOSE MY BELOVED!
NO!
Thank God, I have the money to pay for any vet bills that come my way. The past year's pain is nothing compared to seeing him suffer. I hate this.
Currently, he's on steriods for swelling and a strong dose of pain medication, which has seemed to help. We are blessed with an amazing vet, whom is gentle, loving and compassionate enough to gently remind me that Tolstoy is an "old man" now, whom I need to prepare myself to let go of, since nobody lives forever.
Of course, I knew this day would come, just not now and, not like this.
Praise the universe, I am in the position where I am able to stay home with him. I bought a doggie stroller to help him get around and have spent the past three days trying to wrap my head around the fact that my dog may die soon.
I GOTTA TELL YOUS, THIS HURTS LIKE NO OTHER HURT I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED. MY FAMILY MEANS NOTHING COMPARED TO MY DOG - FUGHETABOUT MY STUFF.
I AM NOT READY!
Fortunately, I believe in God, now (I'll write about this soon). As one of the thirteen therapists on the ENORMOUS team of people who work with me daily to help me re-build my life said, HE will prepare me for the inevitable.
I sure hope so.
The latest tragedy has made me realize I would be foolish to leave the support system I have here in North Carolina. As much as I hate this fucking place, I have decided to remain in Asheville until I am totally stabilized.
I refuse to put Tolstoy through another move, while he's in this condition and, I know I'm definitly gonna need a lot of help with this one.
I'll be alright.
Especially if I focus on the good things in my life, which I'm learning to do.
As bummed as I am about EVERYTHING, I would like to end this post on a positive note.
I've been Blessed beyond belief recently and I have a whole new perspective on EVERYTHING.
#1. I totally believe in GOD.
#2. I have a newfound respect for myself, my life and my resiliance.
#3 I now (really, really) know I can make it through absolutely ANYTHING, which is pretty FUCKIN' COOL, if I do say so MYSELF.
#4. I'm immensely grateful for the lessons I've learned from every single thing I've been through. I'm smarter, nicer and I will never take anything or anyone in my life for granted again, including myself.
*Life ROCKS!*
Still,
THIS TOTALLY SUCKS ASS.
Till Next Time,
