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| Today's Guest is Author, Kimberly Kinrade |
Yeah, I’m totally stealing this from Tom Chalfant’s guest post “Mommy Drinks Too Much” on this very blog just a few days ago. Or yesterday. I don’t know. I’ve lost time. But not because I drink. Nope. Not often anyways. I’m just scatterbrained. There’s probably a meeting for that now too, I haven’t looked.
I have some mixed experiences with AA. My first run-in with them occurred when my ex-husband (then my current husband) was forced by court to seek help for his drinking problem. (Given the ex status of our relationship, you can probably see what’s coming, but I’ll tell you anyways.) He had a DUI that needed to go away, so off to meetings we went.
Being the supportive wife, I went along. By the end of the meeting, I was jonesing for some hard liquor. And I don’t really drink much. How are these whiny, mind-numbing, self-indulgent, narcissistic, woe-is-me meetings supportive of sobriety? I would think you’d need to be tanked just to get through one.
But, I NEEDED him to be sober. He was scary when he drank. Like choking me ‘til I almost pass out kind of scary. I write more about this in my book “Bits of You & Pieces of Me,” but suffice it to say this wasn’t ok with me, ya know?
So began our dance with what Rach calls the cult. And I see it. He went on and off. When things got REALLY BAD he went to a 30 day in house rehab program where I got to learn all about how none of this is his fault because it’s a disease. So while he’s drinking away our bank account I should feel bad for him.
Yes, I felt really bad for his poor disease as I was driving to the bar to beg for money for diapers for our 1 yr-old, while pregnant with our second daughter. My heart was bleeding.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think people with drinking or drug problems are bad. But I don’t believe they are helpless either.
And I was tired of being the enabler. But how do you draw that line when lives and finances are so blended? I couldn’t let him suffer his own consequences for overdrawing our account, because really it was me and our kids who suffered the most.
And while we’re on the subject, tell me how it makes sense that bars in Montana accept CHECKS from DRUNKS to cover their tabs? He accrued hundreds of dollars just in bank fees for bad checks to bars in Montana, then was arrested for it!
And this was BEFORE he went to war as a combat medic.
The demons that possessed him before he left were only strengthened as if injected with steroids by the time he came home from the sandbox.
I clung to our marriage for 8 years, before finally giving him an ultimatum. Get help or get out.
I didn’t believe that traditional rehab would work. I’d seen the cult of AA. Replacing alcohol with meetings and cigarettes. Before his rehab stint he was at bars all the time, blowing our money on booze. After, he was at AA all the time, blowing our money on meetings and cigarettes.
He wasn’t healthier or happier, just less drunk.
So, in the end, he left. And I was free!
I am no longer shackled to this life of enabler. I learned a lot about myself, addictions, and addicts. It’s a vicious cycle and while AA does seem to have helped some people kick the initial habit, for long term health and growth it does not seem to be effective.
It’s just another addiction. Another surrendering of yourself to something outside yourself in order to feel better.
Well how ‘bout this? How ‘bout we look INSIDE ourselves for those answers. That power. We might be surprised at what we find.
Written by:
Kimberly Kinrade
Kimberly is an amazing person who has been very gracious to me.
I thank her from the bottom of my heart for more than you guys will ever know. xoxo
