The last conversation I had with my SPERM DONOR was in October of 2009. As I detail in my post: DEAR DADDY, he told me that I should have my shit together by now, since I am so brilliant and I earned my B.A. from Emerson College. Yes. I should, but I do not, since I have never had the tools necessary in order to make "having my shit together" a reality.
For example, I grew up without a father, family, or the roots so necessary to plant the tree that "should" be the basis for my success.
My younger years where filled with should. I *should* be happy, I *should* do well in school, I *should* get married, I *should* have children, I *should* have a GREAT FUCKING LIFE. But I am not and I don't.
HOW COULD I? Being happy may have something to do with being loved. I was ABANDONED by everyone, except my Mother who should have been home grooming me to be the good, proper lady I SHOULD BE.
But, she was abandoned by the same people, plus the Government who allowed my scumbag father to get a way with lying about his income ALL OF MY LIFE, so he'd never have to pay the measly child support mandated so long ago. She had to work A LOT to raise us.
Again, I ask, HOW SHOULD I?
To this day my mother receives letters from the State Of Massachusetts Child Support Division stating that my father has paid another $50 to them for the month in restitution for the welfare my mother was forced to collect after he took off.
They get paid first, then my Mom will get what she is owed. Should she be happy about this? I DO NOT THINK SO. She may be dead by the time the original debt is paid. Should my father get away with this? YES, because he's got everything he needs to do it: money, lawyers, a whole life spent in the same city, with friends in high places.
SO, how should I have my shit together? People love to throw this word around, but, truly, this word is absolutely meaningless. I would go as far to say that should is a word that we need to throw out because the only purpose this word serves is to make people, like me, feel worse about ourselves.
If I should have I would have.
Does this make sense?
If I had a stable life, I'd be all the things I should be, but I didn't, so I don't. I have spent my life just trying to survive, man.
I should have followed my dreams, but I didn't. Instead, I drank a lot and did drugs because these substances made me feel good while I continued to make mistake after mistake in my altered state of mind. Should I have stayed sober? NO, SINCE I KEPT PARTYING.
Could I have stayed sober?
Yes, if I had not gone to AA where I was taught that I SHOULD NOT BE ANGRY because that emotion would make relapse.
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics, these things are poison." (Alcoholics Anonymous, How It Works, Chapter 5, page 66.)
Really?
How SHOULD I not be angry about how I was fucked over?
According to this program, I had to take responsibility for everyone and everything in MY SCREWED UP LIFE. I was led to believe I am selfish for expecting my father to do what he should have done, which was pay child support to my mother, provide health insurance for my brother and I, and spend some fucking time with us.
That is what he SHOULD have done. Instead, he went off and gave my step-monster and her son the life I SHOULD HAVE HAD. Additionally, I was supposed to accept responsibility for the rest of my extended family's abandonment of me because I selfishly expected them to be there for me, like they SHOULD have been.
How was I selfish? According to my sponsor, I should let go of my expectation of my father to be decent because, poor bastard, he doesn't have it in him. This same principal was applied to my resentments at my extended family, because I should have understood their point of view when they ditched my mother.
According to her, I was wrong to expect anything, hence I have no right to be angry. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No wonder why I drank. And drank. AND DRANK AGAIN! I am FURIOUS.
What should happen in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? Should I tell you? Maybe, but I am just not in the mood today.
Of course, I should get over it, but I won't because that would require my family to take some action in order to be FORGIVEN. My father is just as smug as he's always been. Laughing all the way to the bank, while I sit here angry, lost, and confused about what I SHOULD DO.
I haven't seen or heard from anyone in my extended family for nearly twenty years.
I've tried to make contact, but I continue to be ignored. Should I keep trying?
Since I went to film school, I should be a successful filmmaker right now, but I am not because I blew off every single thing I should have done to reach my goal in favor of survival (I talk about this here: THE CLEVELAND CURE: 28 DAYS B.D.).
I made a huge mistake when I gave up my internship in L.A. for a sugar-mamma who wasn't so sweet (yeah, I was talking about a woman XXX. I'll tell you all about her one of these days.) I should have gone. I was accepted into the program and, thanks to working two jobs for an entire summer, I had the money to go. I chose not to because I was duped.
What should I do now?
When I moved to Vegas, I did work in production for a little while, until I got tired being paid next to nothing. The film business is tough because so many people want to be in it. In order to make it, you gotta pay your dues, which means working your ass off without pay, or for very little pay. I remember one gig where I worked fourteen hour days, with no breaks, for two weeks straight and I took home a whopping $420.
Should I have stuck it out? Maybe, but I couldn't afford to eat with that tiny paycheck, let alone pay rent and everything else. If I continued on with what I should have done to be in the film business, I would be a homeless person. Instead, I became a cocktail waitress because I needed to make money. Can you blame me?
What should I do now that I have left AA and embraced my ANGER? Well, rumor has it that I should SHUT UP because I am being irresponsible by spewing my "poison" about AA and the people in it. I guess I should be working some menial job somewhere, stuffing my anger with food, while I allow the assholes in AA to shape my life with their bullshit.
I COULD do that.
But I WON'T.
Instead, I'll write, write, write, and write some more about the program and people who wronged me.
Writing is what I SHOULD be doing because I've got everything I need to make what I do possible: a brain full of stories coupled with the ability to communicate everything to my audience.
In the meantime, all of you people with your normal, stable upbringings who have the nerve to look down on someone like me, please, do me a BIG FAT FAVOR and shove your SHOULD up your ASS!
That's What's UP!
Live Like You Mean It!
Go-Go Rach
