*Ouch.* Heart pain is the worst, huh? DAMN STRAIGHT.
As I have talked about before, I had very few companions when I left OB for Alameda. That's why I was very surprised to hear from this one chick I had known pretty much the entire time I lived in San Diego.
We met through AA. She was known around the halls as a gorgeous, very insane genius who was bi-polar. She managed her outbursts with medication, but I heard horror stories about what would happen if she stopped taking her pills.
No matter to me, I always thought she was cool. We would shoot the shit whenever I saw her, making tentative plans to hang out one of these days.
Our friendship developed over the phone while she talked me through the worst experience of my life (when you are finished reading this post, go here: NO SHIT SHERLOCK to learn all about HIM.).
We spent hours talking about everything, including sex, life, work, and AA. She and I bonded through our shared ideas and opinions about a lot of subjects, especially our disgust over our experiences in the halls of AA.
Like me, this girl had been in and out of those rooms for most of her life, additionally, she escaped with no intention to return. We both love to smoke the good herb, and we discussed our mutual happiness with our shared plans to smoke medicinal pot until the day we both died.
I was happy she got in touch with me because girlfriends are hard to come by. It was great fun getting to know another intelligent woman who was also called "crazy" in the halls of OB AA. I was really starting to love this chick.
When she told me she had an available room in her house in San Diego, I jumped at the chance to move in with her because I was getting no-where trying to recover from what I had been trough by myself in Alameda. Of course, we went over our expectations of each other.
Most important to me was that I made it clear to her that I do not want to be sober, since I found balance in my current lifestyle. She swore her agreement. I believed her. Also, I wanted to make certain that this was a long term living situation because I really needed a stable place I could count on for at least a year, so I could finally get my shit together. She dismissed my concerns with a very steadfast "OF COURSE!"
Finally, I made certain we were clear on the fact that I would not follow her if she ever did decide to go back to the cult. She swore up and down that my fears where in my head. I had grown to trust this woman, so I put the room I had rented in Alameda on craigslist where I found a replacement of myself within a week for my current roommate.
*Big LESSON HERE* Never, under any circumstances, FUCK a person over, if you can help it. This truth is a big part of the Go-Go Rach Code. I've found right action brings even better experiences.
For the second time, in as many months, I packed up my car, excited for a new chapter in my life to begin. As usual, Tolstoy rode on my lap for the eleven hours it took us to drive from Alameda to San Diego.
The ride was fucking long as hell, but I felt relieved to find what appeared from the outside to be a nice house with a fenced in yard. I was even more stoked when my new roommate opened the door because she seemed to be one rockin' chick. I was looking forward to living with her.
Imagine my shock when in one snip, she cut my shoulder length hair off to just below my ears! I held back a scream as I stared at my reflection, minus the hair I had been growing out for the past year. It had finally reached a nice length compared to the short hair I had been sporting due to having it repeatedly cut during the three years I went went mad in AA.
Now I was stuck with a ridiculous looking, uneven bob. All I asked for was a "trim." She chopped five inches off in one swoop.
Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.
When I look back on this experience, I know my botched hair cut should have been a red flag about this chick's character because she was clearly showing me what a conniving cunt she was with her passive aggressive attempt to make me ugly. I should have paid attention to what hindsight tells me was a strong warning, but I took responsibility for letting her do it.
I fucking knew better, but I went against everything I've ever believed about letting friends do permanent shit to me when I said "yes." I could not deny my part in this situation. What right did I have to get angry?
*DOH* Hair grows back.
Besides, I know I don't need long hair to look good.
Yeah, you're right.
*I know I'm HOT.*
What a disappointment it was for me to discover over the next few weeks that this woman was nothing more than another angry, insecure and jealous snake looking back at me through the guise of "friend."
Our relationship began to dwindle when she announced she wanted to quit smoking pot (uh-oh). I was surprised, but supportive, until it became clear to me that she was really into believing the AA lie about "powerlessness."
To my disappointment, she became miserable with every one of her failed attempts to stop getting high. I tried to talk to her about the fact that she could stop, if she would just make a solid decision. Unfortunately, for both of us, she was truly convinced she had no control over herself or her desire to smoke weed. (Sucks to be her.)
My new BFF was turning out to be nothing more than just another weak, suck puke that I wanted nothing to do with. Her hella cool image melted before my eyes as her truths where exposed by her repeated contradictions.
No matter how hard she tried, she could not skip the wake and bake she was so fond of, even when she had important stuff to do SOBER. She blamed her powerlessness over pot for her lack of discipline. She put off her goals in favor of getting high on a daily basis. She was pathetic and brainwashed. Such a shame.
Supposedly, she wanted a job in her chosen field, but I could not tell because she smoked pot instead of taking care of her business. It got so bad for her, that she would smoke herself to sleep, thus blowing off her silly work at home job.
When she talked to me about how she was afraid she might not have her share of the rent, I offered to cover for her with the money I would normally use to eat, as long as she promised to pay me back RIGHT AWAY. Imagine my horror when she thanked me by announcing where she would re-direct the money she would save because of my possible loan to her.
Quickly, I decided this girl was one hell of a mess, but I liked the person she pretended to be, so I did my very best to ignore my gut that was screaming at me about how stupid I was being.
As time went on, I began to agree with her that she probably should stop smoking pot, since she could not handle it. I've never seen anyone get as wasted as she did from weed. Even a tiny amount would render her nearly drunk. I would give it up too, if it affected me the way it does her.
She went back and forth with her self-induced torture, which made no sense to me. My attitude about any substance is this: do what makes you happy, stop when it fails. She did not get it because she was still brain washed to believe what they say in AA: powerless until jail, institution, or death.
Of course, I kept my opinions to myself because I know my place. But, I found it distressing to witness her turmoil because of what I know to be true based on my own experiences with substance abuse. I believe "powerlessness" is a matter of maturity.
Grown ups know when to say no.
Based on our conversations about the subject, I was under the impression she agreed with me. To my utter dismay, she could not control herself AT ALL.
She became hard to live with and I felt empathy for her situation. I could not blame her because I could see the old me in her behavior. At 38 years old, she had the demeanor and maturity level of a preteen who threw fits of rage and frustration whenever she did not get her way. I realized she had put one over on me because she could not make it on her own in the world of adults.
She took victims at whim for her survival, then tossed them out when she got what she needed. I was no different. She was running a scam, and I was her latest target. What the fuck?
I've never met anyone who was such a slob. She would make huge meals, leaving her left-overs on the stove with the mess she made of the kitchen. She constantly left the doors open, inviting a million flies to come in. The place was disgusting because she did not clean up after herself. I was appalled at how she bitched about her house remaining a pig stye.
Of course, I refused to clean up after her. Instead, I offered a solution with an even split of the chores. I took care of cleaning the bathroom, dishes and dusting. She was supposed to do everything else.
With ease, I pulled my weight, especially in the bathroom. I cannot deal with dirt in that room. I gagged as I cleaned up her long hair from the walls of the shower and put away her beauty products. She was one lazy bitch, I tell ya!
In return, she rarely lifted a finger. Our white, tile floors remained black with soot from people and animals dragging dirt from the backyard into our house. I hate a mess, but I just could not keep up. She was simply a gutter pig.
Over the next few weeks, I learned my new roommate was also a compulsive over eater who was depressed because she thought she was fat. She spent days binging on the food that I paid for.
One fact about people who are unhappy with themselves is that they put their own shit on others. I am really keen to this annoyance, and had no problem standing up to her passive insults. I began to wonder if I would make it another month living in what was fast become hell's kitchen.
Her gluttony instigated a jealousy of me that would catch the room on fire when I entered her presence. She began telling me I am too thin, asking me over and over how I stayed that way. She got pissed when I let her know in a nice way that being skinny is a natural consequence she would enjoy, if she would stop stuffing her face every time she experienced a feeling.
About a week after she began her millionth attempt to get clean, she met with her old AA sponsor, who convinced her to return to *gulp* AA meetings. WHAT THE FUCK? Our hate for AA was supposed to be mutual. We agreed we would never go back.
Now she was telling me she had decided to return to the rooms where I had been ostracized and attacked. I could already imagine those assholes telling her she should kick me out because I was not sober. I expressed my concerns to her about her unexpected decision, but she assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I wanted to believe her, but come on, we are talking about a cult here.
Who did she think she was kidding?
I buckled up.
Things started to get ugly, but I tried to make it work as I went about my business. In spite of a growing annoyance at her bullshit, I played nice with her in an effort to keep things civil. I really did not want to move again.
When I made the mistake of leaving my smoking utensil out in the open, she completely freaked out on me while she insisted I did it on purpose to make her decision to stop smoking pot harder on her than it already was.
Um, Actually, I just made a mistake because I was running late for a lay-date.
Get it together, bitch.
We made up when I said sorry and promised I would never to do it again. I think she was trying to ask me to leave after this incident, but I did not exactly understand at the time because she sucks at communication. Instead of just saying she thought I should find a new place to live, she tried to put the decision onto me with an absurd accusation: "I think you want to move out and go to your mom's..." HUH? What are you talking about (NUT CASE)?
Next, she went back on her word by asking me not to smoke at the house anymore, EVER, not even in the privacy of MY OWN ROOM. I couldn't believe it and there was no way in hell I was willing to agree to leave my home, where I was paying too much RENT, with my pot and a hope I won't get arrested smoking in my car, or whatev.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I began to feel duped and furious at this bitch. BUT, I am never trapped in any situation because I am GROWN! I began to consider the idea that I better get the hell out of there, as soon as possible, before she really did something crazy.
I actually became afraid she might hurt me when I saw her indulge road rage in a parking lot that nearly caused her to fight another girl who had cut her off. I took a sigh of relief when I was able to convince her to stop. She was unpredictable. I had no idea what would happen next.
Things really got bad when she tried to convince me that my life would be better if I got sober with her. Again, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. She began picking apart the things she thought were wrong with me (insides become outsides - SHOW ME WHO YOU ARE).
I understand exactly where she was coming from (I used to be brainwashed). I made the conscious decision to let her violations of my boundaries go in one ear and out the other. I could give a rat's ass about what she thought of me. I love my life and I am happy. She is not. I refused to dignify her nonsense with any reaction.
The final straw came, when she said her doctor took her off the bi-polar medication she'd been on for years. REALLY? I've pretty much been in and out of the nuthouse from the time I was 17 to the age of 30, and I have NEVER heard of a doctor encouraging a person with a bi-polar diagnosis to stop taking their prescription.
As far as I've heard, these people NEED their medication because they are crazy without it. Any time I ever met anyone who had tried this (usually in the loony bin), it sounded like a really big mistake. Let's just say, I went from the annoyance of feeling like I was always walking on eggshells to a person who became afraid, which progressed to an honest to goodness fright for my life!
In case you haven't heard, bi-polar people have committed murder in the states these people end up in when their very ill brains aren't balanced by the chemicals they lack for rationality.
Within a few days, she trashed the kitchen while she screamed about how completely miserable she was because she believed was just like her mother who she hates (Maybe she SHOULD go back to AA).
She went nuts as she destroyed things and tossed glass every where. I've never seen someone act like this. I was pretty shaken up. I pulled myself together in support of my friend. I shouted at her to stop before she regretted her outburst. This chick was out of control. She continued to justify and intensify my fears. I needed to get out.
I finally reached the end of my rope when she started saying things to me that a "friend" would never say. FAKE BITCH.
Then she exposed herself to be a liar when she accidentally told me she had charged me for buds she got for free during one of our first deliveries from the local dispensary. She made a point at the time to tell me she was only passing on what she had paid them out of her pocket.
Things got really bad when she started eating ALL of the food I bought in one sitting. I was disgusted by the GROSS, LYING PIG I found myself living with.
These abuses of our friendship where on top of the fact that she was already charging me FULL PRICE for the utilities we agreed to split. I never mentioned to her that I knew she was stealing money from me. You gotta pick your battles, right? I let her think I didn't know better (*DOH* I moved to OB long before you parked your broomstick here).
Why get into it? I figure people who steal REALLY need it way more than me, so let them have it. I GET IT BACK TWO-FOLD.
Keep stealing from people, bitch.
When she began to accuse me of doing meth 24/7, I decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. As far as I am concerned, even if I was doing that (I WAS NOT), it was NONE of her business, as long as my choices did not affect her in any way. Her reason for accusing me of being high on this street drug was that I am just too "cheerful."
When I pointed out that I am a high energy, happy person, she said I am "too happy." Um, okay. What exactly can I do to change this very fundamental part of my personality? BESIDES NOTHING! As if I would ever want to. I'd had it. She became so intolerable to be around after that, I decided it was time for me to just move out. GEEZ.
She changed, then changed the rules, then became a fucking horrible wench to deal with AT ALL TIMES! What a fucking nightmare.
Can you imagine what a total let down it was for me to see my new BFF become a person I would never choose to hang out with, let alone live with? I started to feel like I was in prison all over again.
Things got worse as she spent the next week avoiding me, except for brief visits to our home where she ignored me, talked about me to her boyfriend outside my bedroom window within my earshot while I was busy looking for another place to live.
Finally, she asked me to leave in a nasty email on (you guessed it) Facebook.
Of course, her intended bite was a blessing to me because she lifted a HUGE mountain off my shoulders by offering me an easy way to deal with telling this cunt I had already made appointments all week to look for another place to live.
I expressed my plan in my reply with the same kindness I offer to everyone, even people who suck.
Naturally, she got pissed at how I diffused her imagined power over me. She blamed me for looking for a place. Sometimes, you just can't win. At this point, I could have cared less. I just wanted to escape from her jailhouse, unscathed.
San Diego is a very hard place to find both a reasonable apartment and a job, so I was pretty nervous about the amount of time this chore might take to accomplish. With a purpose, I pushed memories of times past where I looked and looked for living situations only to be frustrated by months of wasted time to the back of my mind. I was going to find a place RIGHT AWAY. I refused to believe anything else.
Praise life, I was able to take the first place I looked at. I wrote my new roomies a check on the 25th of August and made plans to move into my new, spotless apartment as soon as possible.
When I returned from the appointment, I delivered my news to bi-polar bitch with glee, only to have to listen to her whine about the fact that she REALLY needed a roommate because she could not afford the full rent on her own. NOT MY PROBLEM. SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me PACK, Bi-BITCH!
My goal is always to be the better person. I continued to be nice, while I kept my opinions to myself. I kinda felt sorry for her, actually. When my new roommates said I could move in prior to the first without any extra money, I offered bi-bitch the opportunity to collect rent from a new tenant on my dime. I agreed to move out early telling her to keep the overage to cover her "shortage." Pretty fucking sweet, huh?
Even with the extension of the VERY NICE GIFT I gave her, she was a cunt to the end.
She lectured me about how I better not say anything to sway a new person from moving in (really, I AM NOT GOING TO HURT YOU!). Then she tried to convince me that she was able to throw me out early without letting me take my stuff. I encouraged her to call the fucking cops so they could explain to her how she would not succeed, since I had paid rent through the end of the month, I was entitled to take my time packing my things THAT WHERE GOING WITH ME.
As I said, she was not easy to deal with from the day after I moved in with with her repulsive piggishness, loudness, rudeness, wishy-washy value system, weak friendship, moodiness and her need to try to control everything around her.
Nothing annoys me more than how she beat the shit out of herself for everything she chose to do. It's no surprise to me how her obvious loathe for herself exuded an angry and jealous outlook that was both scary and very UGLY to me.
Fascinating how a personality (or lack of one) can dismember beauty, isn't it? I've seen this phenomenon over and over with various people in my life. Bi-bitch is no different. I thought she was gorgeous when we first met, but she became harder to look at with every passing day.
The insides always spew to the outside. It never fails. Now she is hideous to me. Her picture disgusts me. Hearing her name makes my skin crawl. I could not wait to get the hell away from her. I packed up my shit and I moved out of there AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
Interesting point to note a few parting accusations she left me with: she said I trashed her house (I cleaned the fucking filthy dump ALL the time!). She said I stole from her (funny, I am now missing a bunch of shit that mysteriously disappeared while I lived with her), and she repeatedly gave me "gifts" that she passively took back by "borrowing them." FUCKING WEIRD. Insides become outsides, I tell ya.
Bi-Polar bitch continued to stalk me for weeks after I moved out, until I finally blocked her everywhere. She actually threatened to call my mom in one of her messages. HOLY SHIZNET? REALLY? Ha! Ha! Ha! Heads up, BI POLAR, JEALOUS BITCH! My mom raised me a long time ago. We are friends now, which is way more than I can say for you! I hope you get there, but first you gotta be friends with yourself. Good luck with that. You are very hard to tolerate, let alone be friends with.
Thank GAWD she had no idea where I moved to. There are so many things I could say here, but I won't. I'll just chalk it up as one more gem of a lesson in the jewelry box that is my life. One thing I know for sure is that ROOMMATES suck ass. I will never live with another person I am not fucking again.
As I reflect on this horrid experience, it's obvious to me where I went wrong: I broke what is now my GOLDEN RULE: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Never trust someone based on what they tell you. People lie. I don't think this is intentional, but it happens because most human beings are confused.
Those poor bastards in AA are especially confused. In the future, I will keep my distance from AA types, and practice what I have learned with everyone else.
As usual, I will continue to hold off judgement until I see the real person. Thanks to bi-bitch, I have stapled a note to my heart that says: NO LIFE CHANGES involving someone else, until I am confident that I know who they are based on actions, not words.
Buh-Bi ROOMMATE FROM HELL! I wish ya the best, sincerely, I DO!
'Till Next Time!