(OB Rach Import) Yeah, Crack Will Make You Do.......

So I show up at my friend's house; a guy I met at work.  He is an attractive mixed kid, about the same age as me.  We are meeting his friend, who will supply the drugs and a place to party.

When I enter the kitchen, I am expecting to see lines laid out on a mirror, or something.  At fifteen, I had just begun to experiment with cocaine.  Snorting it was the only way I had done it so far.  I was surprised when we found the owner of the place standing over a stove with a spoon in his hand.  The air smelled kinda weird, like plastic, or something.

(OB Rach Import)The Biggest Mistake of My Life

DOING FED TIME AGE 19

Yes, I robbed a bank when I was 18 years old.  Do I regret it?  Absolutely!  Of all the stupid things I have ever done in my life this was the worst and I really don't know if I will ever recover.

Forget about going to maximum security prison for 19 months.  That was the easy part.  The hard part is living with the consequences of how I entered adulthood with "Aiding and Abetting Armed Bank Robbery" on my record and my heart.  The first has locked me out of nearly every single decent job I've ever wanted to get, or have been offered.  The second gives me the desire to torture myself in nearly every possible way as often as I can even to this day.

(OB Rach Import) Hit Me One More Time

*** Hey guys, I realized this post has been pushed through my feed as a NEW one. It is not. I have been cutting the "fat" out of older posts because my writing was very weak. I have no idea how to stop the feed. Just want to let you know OB RACH is the sober, weak me. I'm posting about it today, but felt I should give ya the heads up. LOVE YOUS!

This week has been tough.  My brother and I had a misunderstanding over the weekend and it has caused another termination of our relationship, at least for now, since he wants nothing but the worst for me.

It's hard for me to understand wanting the worst for someone.  I mean, I've had a rough life, and I feel sad most of the time, but I would never wish bad on anyone.

What's harder for me to understand is wanting to kill a person's dream.  I've never done that, in spite of spending the my first 38 years on this planet having no clue about what my dreams are.



Who does that? Satan?  Hitler?  Annie Wikes?

My flesh and blood does that.

Being that this whole having faith in myself and my dream is quite fragile and new, I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails.

How easy it is....

Yet, I am stronger now, and I have a toolkit loaded with weapons at my disposal.  I will find the one that fits.

This blow hurt so much that I have lost my enthusiasm for writing for now.  I am taking the weekend off.  I'm headed to the mountains to paint the ocean I love and miss so much.

Have a great weekend, tweeple.

xoxo OB Rach

(OB Rach Import) Oh No! I Had a Feeling!

Is dysfunctional an appropriate word for waging a cyber war on my father?  If we were talking about a normal, well-adjusted adult, the answer would be a resounding, yes. Except, we are not talking about a normal well-adjusted adult here.

(OB Rach Import) I HAVE A TITLE

The Princess Fat in REHAB at 18

Ahhh.  I have a title!  "I Was a Teen Age Bank Robber" Sounds great, doesn't it??  The credit goes to Marna Bunger, a fantastic writer I know who lives in L.A.  Check her site out at http://www.dontmincewords.com She is hysterical and a wonderful writer. You guys will love her!

Thanks Marna!
xoxo

Rach

(OB Rach Import) You Can't make Chicken Salad out of Chicken Shit

This is my response to my "Dad's" comments to my amazing and heartbreaking post "Dear Daddy".  If you have not had a chance to read it, you may want to check it out first.  It is interesting either way.

Well, I finally know my dad.  Turns out, I was wrong the entire time.  I've come to realize he just doesn't have it in him to be a good man.  In fact, he is downright vicious.  VICIOUS.  As if updating me on all of his material things wasn't bad enough, I now get to know deep down in my heart that he is just a piece of crap.  Nothing more, nothing less, and he will never be anything else.

(OB Rach Import) OMG! I am writing a book!!

My first year at Emerson I thought I was going to die from writing papers.  Okay, death would not result from the actual assignments given; my agony came from the stress these assignments induced in me.  There were so many papers to write and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.  I remember many over nights  spent red-eyed working on college level writing assignments.  I had no idea why writing papers was so difficult for me. 

(OB Rach Imports) My Father's Brutal Response to "Dear Daddy"

These the  comments I received on OB Rach blog from my father, brother and a few supportive folks who rule. I wish I had your names so that I could say "thank you!  I have put them into a post format because I think they are an important extension to the posts they are in response to.

 

Please note: these types of comments made by my "family" will not be tolerated on go-gorach.com and will be deleted in the future.

 

Comments in response to "Dear Daddy."

Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel, This may sound like an answer to your letter to me, and maybe it is, I really don’t give a shit what you think. Let’s start with the obvious, you write great fiction, if that is the way you remember it, the drugs took. Your mom’s not ugly on the outside, it’s the inside, and other wise her family would still be in touch with her. You are right Ray, I did grow up in the project, 7 younger brothers, 1 sister, a dad that never made more then 10 grand in his life, you left out I got thrown out of school when I was 14 years old, I didn’t care, I started making money, and I still do. Your right Ray, I do have some multi million dollar buildings in the best parts of Boston, you said one, there’s more, and you left out the beachfront house, by the way, there are no morgagaes, just cash coming in every month Did I miss where you mentioned you moved 36 time before you were 18 that might have made it a little tough to find you guys, or the many times I asked you grandmother where you were, or the time I took your mom to court to try and get you kids.

(OB Rach Import) Dear Daddy.

Weddings are an absolute, right?  I mean, during a wedding, two people agree in front of God and everyone else to stay with each other until death do them part. No one can argue with the sanctity of marriage.  It is a responsibility that a lot of people seem take much too lightly today.

People ask me all the time why I am still single, and my answer will always be the same:  I have not met the right guy.  You see, I take this ceremony seriously, and I refuse to marry a person who just might to fit the bill, or so I don't have to be alone.  I would never want to put myself, or the children I hope to have someday, through the pain and desecration of a divorce.  No one should have to live without their father.  Not for any reason. It is reprehensible.

(OB Rach Import) My First Book

My first year at Emerson I thought I was going to die from writing papers.  Okay, death would not result from the actual assignments being given; my agony came from the stress these assignments induced in me.  There were so many papers to write and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.  I remember many over nights  spent red-eyed working on college level writing assignments.  I had no idea why writing papers was so difficult for me.  One thing I knew for sure was that every time I had a new writing assignment, I would know exactly what I wanted to write about and what I wanted to say.  I would put the words on paper and turn my work into my professor full of hope and pride at what I had written, only to be completely deflated by those horrible red marks across my words "where is your thesis?"

(OB Rach Import) Crack is Whack

Yup.  A white girl from the burbs was totally hooked on crack; usually it's mistakenly thought to be a hood drug.  Here I talk about all things gritty, including addiction, sex and feelings. This ain't no James Frey "embellished" shit, either.  Warning:  may not be suitable for the faint of heart.

Let me just say, these posts are not about what is great about cocaine or crack for that matter.  This category is about some of my experiences while I was addicted to drugs.  My stories are in no way glamorous or exciting.  If you are in any way attracted to my former lifestyle, or are currently entrenched in it, I strongly suggest you talk to someone who can help you right away.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest. I'm trying to remember exactly when the first time I ever smoked cocaine was.  I am pretty sure it was when I was 15 years old.  Of course, knowing me, it may have been earlier, but this is my first memory.

My mom had gone away for three days on a trip to the Bahamas.  She won a spiff for her outstanding performance in sales that month.  Her plan was for me to stay with two adult friends of hers for the week, but I concocted a story to her friends about my mother saying okay at the last minute to me staying with a girlfriend for the week instead.  I even had the intrepidity to have my mother's friend give me a ride to the house I said I would be staying at.  It was not my girlfriend's.

The appeal of such a frightening drug is pretty transparent, really.  Crack is to cocaine what hash is to pot: it is a concentration of the drug with all of the cut removed.  People love to insist  that crack is some chemical infested man made creation.  It is not.  The only ingredients required to make crack are water, baking soda, and cocaine.  Also, the cook needs an ability to measure these things properly, which I do not have.  I couldn't pretend to be able to count the amount of money I have wasted on dope that I screwed up by trying to cook it by myself late at night in the middle of a binge.

Anyway.  The point I'm trying to make is that if you have tried cocaine in its powder form, then you know the over-all euphoria this drug will create.  Now, imagine that high ten times stronger and much more immediate.  That is what happens when you smoke crack.  It is like a punch in the chest and in the head at the same time, only without any pain involved.  When you exhale the smoke, every single pleasurable sensation is activated and it is hard to turn away from once you have tried it.  Especially if you are someone like me, and you really want the bad feelings to go away.  This is why this drug is so addictive.  It really is the best high I have ever tried and I am incredibly grateful to say it has been about four years since I sucked the devil's dick, and I hope to God that I will never go back to it.

If you are interested to read more of my experiences on crack click here