|It was you and me against the world. Now it's just ME.|
What's Shakin' Peeps?
Well, I am finally gonna write that post. The one where I say I've been through too much to...um, do much of anything, let alone write.
Tolstoy's death has really thrown me over the edge of devastation that I used to be able to put aside or, at the very least, bury under my constant ability to get shit done.
Without him, the feelings I once abused substances to deal with, have become an unmanageable volcano of emotion that feels like searing lava erupting from the core of my being.
Nothing in my life has ever hurt as much the loss of my constant companion. My angel pug offered all the love I've ever needed and remained by my side, no matter what, even when everyone walked away from me.
Tolstoy stayed happily, until he couldn't.
His presence made it possible for me to ignore the crippling loneliness that consumes a person like me, who grew up without love or the community so many people take for granted.
Now that he's gone, I am overcome by a sadness I've never experienced, even in my darkest days.
My heart is shattered in a zillion tiny pieces, as is my mind, body and soul.
Like a mirror dropped from a skyscraper roof, the shards of me are spread far into the horizon, while my aching, exposed soul remains, alone.
I'm lost, stuck on cold, hard concrete, unable to move.
The past twenty months have been positively HORRID.
The two things that got me through it all were my ability to hold onto hope that I would get back to this blog, my purpose and life as I knew it before my "mother" took the opportunity to destroy me and my precious, Tolstoy.
Now that I've lost my one true love, that feeling is gone.
And, I don't know when or if I'll ever get it back.
All I can say is that I'll try.
In the meantime, I want you to know that I finally got my shit together enough to stand on my own two feet, as much as I can, with the issues I have to deal with.
I'm back in California, where I want to re-start the re-start of the re-start to my start-over.
It's gonna take some time, my friends.
I'll see ya when I see ya.