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Boston, MA, United States
I don’t need an introduction.

Saturday, February 15, 2014


One of the last things Cuntessa said to me when she stole everything I worked my whole life to earn, then kicked me into the streets of Vegas to DIE, was that she had never accomplished a single one of her own dreams, so why on earth should I be able to?

One thing she did consummate, thanks to all she stole from me, was a home filled with beautiful, expensive items.

She successfully kept, sold or gave away all the things I worked for twenty five years to EARN. I still miss my gorgeous furniture, extensive book collection, precious gifts left to me by my grandmother, Egyptian cotton towels, kitchenware, handmade, Moroccan silk bedding, luxurious sheets, collectibles, art, 500 + dvds, 450 + cds, work-out equipment, my awesome television and electronics, my office, photos of my friends, extended family and, my trips around the world, all my college work, including binders full of many exceptionally written papers as well as my graduate level class thesis, my car, she even kept a lot of Tolstoy's stuff when I picked him up and, she ended his life early - my God, I ache for him.

As I've written before, I'd worked since I was fifteen and, I always made A LOT OF MONEY.

She recently accused me on twitter of not collecting my belongings because I "do not have the courage to face her." Wrong answer, "mom."

The truth is NOTHING is worth laying eyes on her repulsive face again. Although I will jump for joy to hear of her funeral, I will be too busy at the biggest celebration party of my life to attend. It will be epic.

When I moved into her shit hole, I owned more possessions than I could ever want or need. The only thing I lacked was a solid career. I was so close to LIVING THE DREAM - my dreams. I could taste it, smell it, see all I ever wanted clearly HAPPENING. I planned to be on film, television, radio, published, SUCCESSFUL.

I absolutely intended to change the world.

I still recall the pride I used to feel for all I had achieved, in spite of the cards being stacked against me all my life. As you see, her greed and gross deception stole that too...for the moment (I HOPE).

Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of what I used to have...The list is endless. It's painful. And, frankly, I am still really fucking pissed about it.

I doubt I'll ever get over what that bitch did to me. Her betrayal destroyed me in ways that can't just go away.

Material things can be replaced, eventually. What sucks is the physical reaction that comes with brute trauma. I always had post traumatic stress disorder because of childhood abuse and neglect; however, I managed just fine, until that incident. I had a genuine nervous break-down that has made it physically impossible for me to move on.

Without medication (or illicit drugs), I have a st-udder, my body trembles, I have irrational fears of people, places and things.

My thoughts are jagged, broken and I am unable to stay focused. I also have become agoraphobic and apathetic to whatever happens next because I have a deeply ingrained fear of the world.

I'm certain she's pleased.

I am absolutely devastated.

Today I spend my days alone in a sublet apartment filled with things that do not belong to me in a town where I have been dismissed as just another victim of police brutality, mental illness and no authentic medical treatment available to help me to move on from the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

At this point, all I can hope for is that my new psychiatrist will find the right combination of medication to return my ability to function at the most basic level.

When and if we do, I hope I will, at least, get back to regular showers, the gym, writing, going outside...

My friends on Facebook know that I've been in a rage since the beginning of February. I'm so messed up right now that I just went off the chain without any recollection of what is really going on - my mind, body and spirit responded to an anniversary akin to the loss of a loved one.

It's been three years since I lost myself.


Here is to hope that next year I'll give myself and my friends a break when February comes around.

For now, I'm back to writing my daily gratitude lists. I've also began a new notebook filled with all my dreams.

I've done a whole lot in my life - things my "mom" will never be able to do because she is too selfish and irresponsible.

I've been to all the places she wishes she could go, including to Hawaii. I've earned my B.A. from the prestigious, highly regarded Emerson College, I'm beautiful, brilliant, funny, loved, talented and so much more than she could ever be able or willing to acknowledge.

First, because she had absolutely nothing to do with any of my successes. Second, she is JEALOUS.

I will get over this one day.

And, everyone dies.

At least I know I will go to my grave with pride for my accomplishments because I never had to lie, steal or con anyone to get what I want, as she has.

I wouldn't trade places with her for all the money in the world.

This too will pass, as will my FEBRUARY REPUGNANCE.

Until Next Time,


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DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.

*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.