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Boston, MA, United States
I don’t need an introduction.

Friday, August 9, 2013


Dear Tolstoy,

First let me say that I hope you are doing well in Heaven. Since you are so special, I have this vision of you sitting right next to God, over-seeing the happenings of this world - as Miss Mary always said, you were a Saint! I suppose you'd have to be in order to put up with my crazy ass for twelve whole years. *sigh*

Also, you were an Angel, sent directly from Heaven to take care of me. You did a fantastic job, buddy!

Nothing has made the precious part you played in my life more obvious than this very difficult year, while you've been gone. It's been hard, to say the least! I hope you aren't too disappointed in me. I know I've screwed up. It's been wicked tough living without you.

You were the reason I behaved. And, you kept me breathing many times during our years together.

No matter how hard life seemed to get, I'd look at your precious face and think...what would happen to you, if I was ever to...? You had a lot of responsibility for a little pug. You took care to do your job very well.

Thank you for always being so patient, loving and kind.

As you probably know, I've struggled a lot to try to find my place in this still, too cruel world. The loneliness that came with your absence still blackens my days. I honestly had no idea just how very alone I was, until you left. I still have a gaping hole in my heart that no person, place or thing will ever fill.

I've thought a lot about getting another pug one day. I'd like to get a little girl. I'll name her  Sophia, after your namesake's wife. Won't that be cute? I think so! If only I could get settled long enough...I am still in search of "home."

First, I moved back to San Diego, where we used to live in that big two bedroom apartment that was full of all the things Cuntessa stole from us. Well, not everything, actually. You're right. She stole a whole lot of things, including two or three years of your life.

I'm so sorry, Tolstoy. If I had one wish, I would take it all back. We would never have taken her up on her phony offer.

It's true. I ought to have known better. To this day, I still pay the never ending price tag of being stuck with her for mom and wanting so much to trust her.

It's hard to think about. I don't want to think about it anymore.

Every single day I am reminded of the horrendous consequences I still have to deal with. The most devastating was how you went away. I know your life was cut short. I swear on everything that matters to me, I did my very best during what turned out to be insurmountable hardship. I tried to stay positive. I did all I could to hide what I was feeling from you.

I know. I am a shitty actress.

You took it all, with a grin. Your love and support was admirable. I know that last year of your life had to suck. I take solace in the hope that you remember all of the years we spent together before that happened. I have to believe that.

So, San Diego is still beautiful. Unfortunately, it's even more expensive now. I struggled to make it out there on the fixed income I have to live with, now that my nerves have been shredded to not much more than a bumbling mess. You helped with that, too.

As much as I wanted to, I never even made it to the beach when I was in California. I just couldn't bring myself to go there. In between the punches of life, I spent my time grieving your loss.  There were months when I could not sleep. All I did was wail intensely. The pain has decreased, somewhat, at least.

You were the first death that's ever really mattered to me, aside from my grammy's. Since that time, I've experienced several more that have hurt. I never thought I'd care so much about people. I suppose, it's alright that I do. For the moment, people are all I've got. I miss the time when I didn't need them so much. It is what it is.

This morning was tough. I woke up in tears. It's hard for me to believe it's been a whole year since you left.

In some ways, the time has flown by in a flurry of mistakes. I am still a pin-ball, bouncing from bumper to bumper, stuck under that layer of glass that feels like it's closing in on me, stealing the space I have to move with every passing second. Sometimes one moment seems like forever.

Life is difficult.

It seems that it's always been this way for me.

At least when you were around, I knew I was loved. Your kisses, obvious joy in spending time with me and wonderful companionship is missed. People suck, sometimes.



My dad stopped returning phone calls when I moved back to Asheville. I suppose it's because I cannot make my scooter payments to his wife. He has told me many times before that when she's mad, his life turns sour. What can I do? I mean, I have priorities. Food, shelter and clothing have to come first, always. I have no idea why on earth this wouldn't occur to them?

I couldn't afford the thing to begin with.

Oh well.

As you know, I pay my bills. I will pay her one day, if I ever get back on my feet. What's sad is that she would be so demanding, instead of really trying to help me get there. I guess, in her own way, she tried by shoving the bike down my throat, yet I cannot shake the feeling that they have done what they can to make me okay, so they can dismiss their concern - and, inevitably, me.

As is typical with people, it's all about them.

Oh, yeah. I moved back to Asheville because I thought this place was home. Turns out, all the things that used to scare us are worse with a disability check. I am still miserable. The crack-smoking, drunktards have become so aggressive with me that I hate to leave the house. I hoped to make a life here, minus all of that, but I know it's impossible now. Yes, I will be moving back to the beach, soon!

And, your remains will be spread at the end of the cliffs in Ocean Beach, where we were last happy.

I promise.

Please tell me you aren't stuck with your body in the storage unit with my bug-infested clothes and busted up scooter. I had no intention of leaving you there, but I was so scared that the dumb T.S.A. people might not let you come on the plane with me. I will be back to get you really soon!

The reason the beautiful box that holds your ashes is wrapped in plastic is because the second place I moved to in San Diego became infested with bed bugs. I had to throw away all of our furniture and I spent a ton of money renting trucks to move, do laundry and stayed with that nice older man we knew from Ocean Beach, in an effort to regroup.

I guess you probably know that already, huh?

You remember him, right? He is a sweet heart. He let us stay in his loft for a while before I left the state. I felt really bad about the bugs following us to his house! The good news is that he wasn't affected at all by them! I talked to him the other day and he still insists there are no bugs in his condo. The mind is a curious thing, I definitely lost mine. I guess time will tell, right?

There's no denying what happened to my imacpro. I saw the eggs inside of it when the tech checked it out. I also know I saw a strange swoop of color under the plastic in your box. That may have happened during the original infestation. Who knows?

Your body needs to be in the earth. Please forgive me for not doing it sooner.

Insecurity ruled my existence when I made the decision to relocate. I am kind of glad you will be in San Diego waiting for me to return. I want to go with my original plan of tossing your ashes in the ocean, where I want my remains to be thrown, as well.

I just think it's best that we lie where we smiled together last.

Don't you?

I will get you there and our bodies will meet just prior to or souls reconnecting on Rainbow Bridge.

I look forward to seeing much!

In the meantime, I will do what I can to move forward in life. For now, I am staying with a good friend who has two gorgeous children and, pretty much, a mini zoo living in her home.

There is a little dog, two cats, four birds, a crazy rabbit and a bearded dragon! I am blessed to be house-sitting for the weekend, while the family heads off to the beach. It's gonna be fun to take care of all of these animals!  I feel a sense of relief that I won't be alone.

My plan was to stay here, while I looked for a place to call my own. It's been nearly four months, without any real prospects. I was sexually assaulted. I've been robbed numerous times. I live in fear every single day and North Carolina made so many cuts in Medicaid benefits that I cannot even get a decent support team. How pathetic!

At least California is intelligent (or greedy) enough to fight the proposed cuts in our home state. Even if I have to work part time, until I get those chapters in, I am gonna make a life out there.

My therapist and I met the other day to go over the pros and cons list that I made to help with my decision. He agreed that I am better off in California and encouraged me to put in an application for the room I hope to rent, prior to leaving.

One word: MOSQUITOS! OUT OF CONTROL, BUD! There are these black and white striped ones that are merciless! They sting my eyelids and tear ducts when I am not diligent with the chemical repellents! The all natural just doesn't do!

Always with the VECTORS! *rolls eyes*

Anyway. These are close to the top list of cons for N.C.

The very top of the list is that a lot of folks around town remember you and ask me where you are more than I can deal with. One guy asked me TWICE! He's an idiot or really, really fucking mean. Either way, I had a melt-down. Fortunately, it happened in a crazy-friendly place.

Next time I may not be so lucky.

On the short list of pros are my friends, the environment and opportunities to build my career as a multi-media artist on my own, rejuvenating schedule. Why you're right again, my love!

Asheville is cheap and I am AMAZING.


These are reasons to visit, not live.

Seriously, I may end up in the nuthouse, if I remain in the South. They just don't get me and my ideas are way outside the box for a lot of the country folks I meet. I'd like to live to see the impact I'm having on the world, thanks.

There are two things on the short list of cons to California. One can be dealt with pretty easily with strategic planning, which I also have help to navigate. The other, well, I just gotta leave it alone...if I came here to get away from that, so be it. Who knows why things happen? Crazy has everything to do with it - I am certified by the govo since 2012.


I am totally okay with me.

Life. Meh.

I'll take it, or it'll take me.

See, I'm doing BETTER!

I intend to apply for that room as soon as I finish writing this letter. My credit has gotten better and I have good references now, too. EPICNESS. xo

Not only that, I got a call from a low-income apartment IN SAN DIEGO a few weeks ago! I made the mistake of passing on it because I am here, where I no longer want to be! I realized what I'd done a few minutes after I hung up with the property manager, but it was too late. She had called the next very lucky person on the list.

I am back on that list, as well as several others. I will rent a room month to month, until I am called again or I finally write these books. Let's hope it will be soon!

All I need is to be settled.

As our friend in the Bay Area told me, home is where you make it.

Mine's coming.

One last thing I want you to know before I sign off is that I have a lot of really, really good, supportive friends in my life that are pretty amazing. Of course, none of them are as awesome as you, but they'll do! *giggle*

One of my friends is taking me out to lunch today, then we will spend the rest of the day exploring Asheville, so I won't be alone. Isn't that nice? I think so!

All of the people in my life today love me, unconditionally as I do them. I've had to learn how to reach out to people, which is a good thing. I like having friends. Here's to another reason to be happy I left THE CULT! Can you imagine how alone I'd feel if I were still stuck in those rooms with traitorous people?

I may be dead.

Thank God, I'm not! One day at a time, I am re-building my life.

It could be better, but I'm doing alright.

One thing I know is that I've come full circle from where I've been. I'm learning how to live in my own skin again, with a new perspective on everything.

I finally got myself back, which means, NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!

With Every Single Part of Me,

I love you, miss you and wish so much that you were here with me right now.

Until Next Time, My LOVE.

Hugs, kisses and an ear rub, or two...okay THREE! And, the belly...and the spot where your curly tail begins.


Epically Yours,


DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.

*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.