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Boston, MA, United States

Friday, July 19, 2013


When I made the decision to move back to Asheville, I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

I got my ass kicked in California, spent a ton of money, lost nearly everything I own to multiple bed bug infestations and engaged in an activity that is well beneath me, which I may or may not discuss in the future.


It had nothing to do with twenty bucks and some guy's dog.

Here's to hope that me and my fellows can spare the future from THE CULT THAT MADE YOU.


My openness extends beyond what's typical; however, there are some things that I choose to keep to myself, particularly when it's not helpful to anyone involved. I am a grown woman with boundaries that I've earned the right to maintain. Thank you.

From the minute I stepped off the plane in San Francisco, I knew I made a grave mistake.

First and foremost, I based a flimsy plan, made in haste, on a person whom I know from the CULT (YA JUST CANNOT TRUST THEM STEPPERS!). This person has been detrimental to my life on so many levels, I am ashamed to admit that I let he and his wife into my world again, only to be sorely disappointed. I will detail this behavior in the post referenced above - one of these days.

Second, I had no idea just how much I've changed, until my feet hit the ground in the land of ALL ABOUT ME.

When you know what it's like to starve, there's nothing special about excessive spending or greed. Four Coach bags with matching wallets is an obscene amount of money to spend for a LABEL.

This is especially true if you have three kids who continue to go without, while you party, cheat and steal from people to get by. Gluttony and selfishness is just plain GROSS.

Yes. I am speaking to *YOU.*

Not only did I find myself overwhelmed by the insurmountable task of living a minimal existence in a state built on embellishments, I realized very quickly that my plan to live simply would be impossible, since everything I need is well out of reach on a fixed income.

My nerves are too shot to function in the work place, or anywhere else for that matter. THIS SUCKS.

In time, I pray, that my mind, body and spirit will fully recover from the shock and pain I've been dealt at the hands of my "family."


And fuck the fall that's kept me under for too long.

It's bittersweet to witness my peers accomplish goals/dreams that are mine too.

I'll get there.

It will be EPIC.


Food shelter and clothing are expensive everywhere.

California prices are out of control. The haves and the have nothings don't mingle, as far as I could see. Even worse, the place is bankrupt, which offers no help for the less fortunate and it's employees use mandatory tactics necessary for survival in a place barely breathing under the falsehood of ego.

Needless to say, I fell. HARD.

The nest egg I wish I'd saved disappeared quicker than the panties of whore out on the town with his or her latest paycheck. My "friends" annoyed me with their fake lives and all they did or did not do to keep up with each other on the road paved with credit and deception. I could care less about all of that crap.

What I do care about is what kind of person you are.

Stuff, money and who you know is useless, when one cannot see beyond their own nose.

A lot of people cannot.

I used to be one of them.

Now I'm not.

What I've found through this journey is that everyone needs a little Go-Go Rach. I give my all to the best and worst of them.

Most disappoint. Some don't.

My life today is about surrounding myself with good people, who care about themselves enough to care about me.

And others.

My philosophy in life has and will always be that I love, give and support everyone I meet, until they give me reason not to. I'd rather lose everything or give it all away, than to change my inherent belief and hope in humanity.

My filters were askew, until I left Alcoholics Anonymous.

Now they're not, yet I've been trapped in a world full of vipers who continue to shock me with their evil ways.

Destitution breeds the worst of the worst.

My biggest fear through all of this is that I may be violently raped or beat up.

It happens.

The only reason I've been able to avoid these horrors is by keeping a clear head and never, ever going inside with anyone I do not know.

Up until a few days ago, the closest I came to being raped was when I was at the mercy of NAPOLEAN in Vegas. He wanted sex from me. I was too scared to say no, so I gave in without any fight. ONCE.

I simply lay there, while he grunted, then got off during some of the longest three minutes of my life.

It felt like rape.

Over the past two and a half years, that incident has stayed in the back of my mind. I am determined not to let that happen again. I chose shelters or to camp outside, alone, to keep myself safe from this shit.

The reason I came back to Asheville is because I have a ton of friends here, both homeless and not. I love my church and the community I'm surrounded with here. THIS PLACE IS EPIC.

Also, I have a bunch of opportunities in what I now call MAGICVILLE to pursue my art, writing and goals. My quirky, hyper, eccentricity is understood and appreciated! I fit right in. I couldn't be more thrilled. Asheville IS MY HOME!


I'm happier than I've ever been, feel anxious to settle down, sprout roots and bury them deep within the vibrant, green and full of LIFE mountains where I found myself and more than I need to get on with LIVING THE DREAM!!! (BIG, FAT THANK YOU, CYBER-STALKER!)

Every single day I find a new appreciation for my community. The people in my life have character, compassion, common goals and interests...I am continuously blown away by all of you...

Except for one.

Yeah. That one.

The one I was warned about.

You were right.


He's the someone I've known for quite some time. He's cool, except when he's not.

I hate to think he did this on purpose...


He introduced me to a guy who maybe had a temporary place for rent, where I could walk to all the places I need to go and continue what's turned into a longer than seems necessary search for a home to call MY OWN.

Like me, the renter has been through some rough times. He just went back to work and needed someone to help out for a couple of months.

Seemed like a WIN/WIN for a still gullible ME.

With glee, I paid rent for what was supposed to be the rest of July, went over expectations, etc., then I moved what little I have with me into my new space with a sigh of relief that I could help someone AND alleviate the pressure that comes with trying to find a place to live.

The one thing I asked him not to do was to try to fuck me.

I know for a fact that I was VERY CLEAR.

I'm not trying to get laid or into a relationship, especially not with a snot-nosed, teary eyed, short dude with more problems than I've ever had, even in my darkest days...and...and...and...


All was fine, until he got high...

and, DRUNK.

The perfect combination for the liquid balls he YEAH.

Since it was Tuesday night, I was already in my pajamas, when my new, temporary roommate came home from working late. He had a couple of friends with him. They were going out for beers. I declined their invites. I planned to be up early to help my church prepare the meal we serve every Wednesday before worship.

I was in bed by nine, asleep by ten and looked forward to a long day ahead, full of service and community.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to help out with the meal.

In fact, I am lucky I made it to Church at all.

My good night's sleep was interrupted by short, stubbly hands groping me at 4:30 in the morning. His paws were underneath my pajamas, squeezing my breasts so hard, it hurt, while he poked his tiny, erect penis against my vulnerable, sleeping body.

He stunk. He was slobbering on the side of my face, as I stiffened and tried to pull away.

My hair was stuck in his fist.

He mumbled, "I'm sorry."

Then, "No. I'm not," while he pulled at my pajamas, in a FAILED attempt to remove them.

My heart raced, while I worked my way out of his repulsive grip.

Somehow, he managed to stick his tongue in my mouth.

It tasted gross.

Like gasoline...

I used every ounce of my strength to push him away, while I gagged on the residue left in my mouth from...ew. I nearly threw up.

My breath was quick, my head was light, I tried to focus, while I pried my way out of his vice-like grip. I thought I might pass out in panic.

As soon as I could stand, I turned on the lights, then screamed at the top of my lungs:


He covered his head, while I grabbed my shit and LEFT.

So much for my two hundred bucks!


The CURSE of a homeless GIRL.

I am so fucking tired of dealing with this shit.




I paid rent.


I tried to help out.

What more did this piece of shit expect?



When I got to church, I told my pastor what happened.

He gave me a hug, smiled and said, "I'm glad you're here."

I was too.

Unfortunately, I was late, I didn't get to help with anything. I was in tears, while we prayed before the meal.

I went into the sanctuary early to be alone with God.

In silence, I fell to my knees and apologized to HIM for all I've done in my life to abuse the body that holds my soul.

As I sobbed, I begged HIM to forgive and protect me from violence or coming any closer to my darkest fear.





Here's to hope that I am approved for the one bedroom apartment I applied for a few days ago. It's within my budget, in a nice part of town and will be the final step in the end of my nightmare.

Am I mad, bro?


I see a brilliant future for myself where I will NEVER fall behind on rent.

You, on the other hand, are forever stuck with that PENIS.

And, apparently, no one willing to let you stick it in.

That has GOTTA suck.


For the moment, I'm in a safe place, with a FEMALE friend.

'Till Next Time,

FOLLOW @gogorach on THE TWITTER!

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DeConstrucor's Comment In Response to LETTER TO MY "FRIENDS" IN AA (page above)

"Brav fucking O.....Standing O fucking Vation. Or perhaps the Charlie Daniels quote from the Geico commercial of "thats how you do it son"

That was incredible.

Reminded me a little of "the letter" at the end of the Breakfast Club (perhaps the greatest movie ever)

Keep it up, dont be afraid to kick them in the teeth once in a while.

Always remember that its the misfits, the rebels, and the troublemakers that are the ones that change the world."

He post the following video at the end of his comment.

Thank you, my friend.
I am both Flattered and HONORED.

*This Video is here to support Decon's Words, not OBAMA (or any politician for that matter, since I've never been allowed to vote) Sincerely, Go-Go Rach.