WISHES

Fuckin' A.  This Hurts.  So fucking much.  I just left my heart and mostly everything I own at my mother's house to drive to Oakland, where I will stay with a friend from college who I haven't seen in many many years.  Thank the universe I do not have to sleep on the streets tonight.  I feel broken.  I've been through a lot of shit, but this has gotta take the cake, I think.  Unless "God" has more in store for me.  Who the fuck knows?

Every time I walk through another trauma, I think it will be the last time, but at nearly forty years old, I have no hope.  I feel like it just continues to be dumped on me.  Oh man, I miss my Tolstoy.  I cannot believe this is how it went down. 

My mother did not even look at me when I walked out the door.  Not even good bye.  Thanks for playing the fucked up mother game.  See ya.  Have a nice life.  Nothing.  I am fucking  horrified and disgusted that this is how it is.  But THIS IS HOW IT IS.  No wonder why I have been so fucked up.

She has said hardly three words to me, since she tossed me onto the street, aside from that she wishes I could bring Tolstoy with me and get a storage unit for my stuff.  Well, no one can ever have it all, now can we?

While we are on the subject of wishes, there are a lot of things that I wish.  I wish I could take my dog, I wish I had some time to find a place to go.  I wish I had a family.  I wish I had a boyfriend, no actually a husband would be great.  I wish I had children.  And my own something in the world. 

And, sweet mcjesus, I wish I had a mother that gave a rat's ass, or had an ounce of compassion for anyone, besides herself.  But, you know what they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  Oh, how I wish...

Until next time.