He gets me.
As I wrote in my letter to Tolstoy in August, life in Asheville has not been easy for me. It seems that I have gone through one trial after another, until I finally got myself into some real trouble, which I will write about when it's safe for me to do so.
For now, I am ashamed to admit that I broke two of my steadfast rules: no more substance abuse & never, ever go inside with anyone I do not know VERY WELL.
The consequence of these mistakes are shocking. I've been sexually assaulted and raped two times. I got myself into trouble with the police again and found myself in a place where I never thought I'd ever be: without hope for myself or my future. I actually planned my suicide, for reals.
The substance abuse took me to places I have never seen, even in my darkest days. I planned to take what I was doing to my grave, until the grave seemed to be my only option. I felt 100% ready TO GO-GO. I did not talk about it.
I only thought about it, DAILY.
I mean, how much, exactly, is one human being supposed to be able to take?
Tolstoy's death really did a number on me. I am on the verge of tears as I type this. I sure do miss my boy. He was my reason to behave and the one true love I could always count on. When he left, I did too.
The pain was so great that I had to do something...numb it. Anyway I could.
Again, I will talk about this in detail in a future post. In the meantime, please know that I am very sorry to have disappointed you. Also, I want you to know that I am finally OVER IT.
The police tend to have that affect on ME.
I am so disgusted with myself right now...it is pathetic. The case is weak, but cops will be cops. I am in the South, where things tend to drag on forever. Here is to hope that all will turn out just fine.
In the meantime, I am working hard to get myself back on track. I have found a place to live. A new, amazing boyfriend who loves me for me and encourages me to be me. I spend all of my free time volunteering at my church or doing normal things, like going out to eat, going to church functions, hiking the Appellation Trail, camping out, watching movies, having intense debates with my new man and spending time with healthy people who love ME.
*NO CULT REQUIRED*
Life in the real world is pretty freaking cool. I miss my blog, purpose and all things Go-Go Rach, but I have realized a few things about myself that need to take priority over writing my books.
As I have written about in the past, I moved 37 times before I was a sophomore in high school. I stopped paying attention in sixth grade. It was by sheer determination that I graduated from Emerson with a 3.275 G.P.A. I busted my ass, while I worked a full time job. I have no idea how the heck I made it through, but I did.
I am a genius, after-all.
Mania is a blessing...yes, I still do LOVE IT.
My boyfriend is older than me. He is also brilliant; a Scholar, Biblical man, Air Force JAG retiree, who is willing and able to take it slow with me. He also teaches me so many things that I want to learn more about, including HISTORY.
Finally, he is one hundred percent red neck, funny and brings me great joy and relief from the seriousness and the pain I have experienced in my life.
We have been friends for more than three years. I had no idea he had feelings for me, until we were having a couple of beers one night and he busted out that he has been
in love with me since the second we met. He also says he wants to marry me...
Time will tell.
We all know how I feel about marriage...
One thing I've learned over the past few years is that I sure as heck DO NOT.
He got me with four words.
MY KIND OF CRAZY.
And, I love you all so much. I have no idea when I will be back to blogging full time.
For now, I am focused on building my life here in Asheville, which is MY HOME.
I'm gonna take some classes. Get back to the gym. Maybe buy a log cabin...
My computer and all that is valuable to me is still in San Diego (thanks for more SHITTY advice "DAD."). I am gonna get a p.c. next week, which may or not be used to blog.
I will most likely use it to build The Go-Go Rach Showroom, my online store, which requires a whole new skill set that I want to take classes to master...
One step at a time.
I am FINALLY MOVING FORWARD.
See you when I see you!
Until Next Time,