Believe it or not, we all have a purpose here on earth. God will get it out of us, one way or another, or we will live in peril.
As I've written on this blog, my life has been nothing short of a comedy of errors.
Although I've always had a good heart, I seemed to find myself either in trouble, fear or confusion, which made me believe God hated me.
Over the years, I did my best to "survive" through self -inflicted tragedies, while I learned to accept that people and life simply sucked.
No matter what I've done to try to improve myself or my circumstances, I still felt like a pin-ball, stuck under a layer of glass, bouncing from bumper to bumper, with no way to get out.
Before I was shoved into the CULT, I believed crime, drugs and excess where what I wanted. That idea quickly diminished, when I found myself in Federal prison for aiding and abetting armed bank robbery.
My incarceration was a monumental time in my life because, for the first time ever, I was "sober," trying to do the right thing. I felt a spark of hope for the wretch that is me.
Within my second week behind bars, I earned my General Education Diploma (G.E.D.). That accomplishment opened the door to my successfully completing an Administrative Clerk Vocational Training and to college classes, where I garnered the 3.75 g.p.a. that got me into Emerson College.
I, eventually, earned my B.A. in Media Arts, with honors.
Something else worth noting here is that I also lost the 40 + pounds I'd gained in rehab in response to the feelings I never actually learned to deal with there, aside from stuffing them with food, while that lesbian counselor continued to molest me.
The big, fat F proved to be a road-block all my life; however, I am grateful for the experience. I probably would not be alive today, had that not happened.
Nineteen months spent in maximum security, federal prison taught me that I am BRILLIANT and CAPABLE.
Accomplishments became my purpose, yet no matter what I did, I still felt worthless. Even though I was sober (for five years, that time), working, living life the A.A. way, I felt completely empty, lost and one hundred percent ALONE.
Confusion ruled my existence. I lived life as a lesbian, since I thought I was one (I am not). I bounced from relationship to relationship, while I'd sleep with random men in-between horrid relapses on crack, cocaine and alcohol.
All the while, I prayed, are you there, God, it's me, Rachel G.?
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Please HELP ME. I NEED YOU!
My search for a Higher Power in 12 Step programs was fleeting, at best. I tried to learn about God in all his forms ranging from Buddhism to Judaism.
Nothing stuck. The Bible made no sense to me and you all know what happened to my gorgeous Buddha collection…
Eighteen years into life, ruled by THE CULT, I called myself ATHEIST, while my anger at life burned deep within my soul. God did nothing for me, so, I decided, HE does not exist.
When I started this blog, I became my own HIGHER POWER.
Go-Go Rach was on FIRE.
I was, finally, DOING IT, MY WAY, with NO HELP FROM ANYONE.
I LOST IT ALL.
When I ended up in the middle of the mountains, broke, alone, with precious Tolstoy (R.I.P. my love) about to be tossed into the streets, again, I had nothing left to believe in.
One more time, I'd used up my incredible father and his generosity in the nastiest way imaginable.
Now free from Cuntessa's grip, my family was non-existent.
The lies I grew up believing about everything where destroyed.
I needed help desperately.
I was trapped, with NOWHERE or ANYONE to turn to for help.
I was forty miles away from resources I so desperately needed. I meant to move to ASHEVILLE, not CANTON.
After nearly twenty-one years of utter confusion about GOD, I clearly understood that HE was all I had left. HE was the only ONE with the POWER to HELP ME.
For the first time in my entire, messed-up life, I fell to my knees and prayed from MY HEART.
In that moment, I gave my life to GOD.
On a bug-infested, well-worn carpet, I humbly asked HIM for three things.
And, that Tolstoy and I be able to stay together and be able to eat every single day.
Not only did God provide us with that magical gift, HE also stayed with me, while I fell into UTTER DESTITUTION, in Asheville, North Carolina.
My life began to change, from the inside, while I learned about LOVE, community and the generosity of people.
Tolstoy and I found and shared communion together at the Haywood Street Church, where I learned about HIM. I was blessed to be in the trenches, with others in my plight, while I came to BELIEVE in a HIGHER POWER whom is nothing like the one I'd ever known or could learn about the A.A. way.
Side Note: I will detail my life in Asheville, in my book SPAZ, part of the Go-Go Rach series, I am working on now.
As we trudged what I call the Homeless Shuffle, I began to live life on life's terms. I was at the bottom, yet I felt a sense of joy I'd never known. I was grateful to be alive. PRAISE GOD.
In October, winter fell upon the South. A cold rain, muddy blankets and the tiny, pop-up tent we lived in became dangerous. For six weeks, I tried to get us into shelter, with no hope for a bed.
My joy began to fade into despair, as I did my best to hide what I was feeling from my darling Tolstoy, who learned to sleep on my stomach to stay dry.
Humiliated, I fell to my knees again.
First, I thanked God for his Grace, LOVE and the fulfillment of my last request, while Tolstoy stared lovingly at me. I'll never forget how cute my little man looked in his blue and white sweater, found in the kid's clothing closet at the Church.
His big, brown eyes peeked out from under an umbrella, tied with rope to a tree in the woods - this was a far cry from the luxurious furniture he grew up on.
He was a trooper, who began to bark, while I sobbed in total desperation. I swear, my amazing pug seemed to join me in prayer.
Together, we asked, DEAR GOD, may we, please, move inside?
The mountains were cold, soon to be freezing. I was truly afraid we would die together, if our circumstances did not change.
*GLORY BE TO GOD!*
We were accepted into a shelter the VERY NEXT DAY.
HOW DARE I QUESTION THE EXISTENCE OF GOD?
My PRAYER WAS ANSWERED, AGAIN!
As I type this, I have chills.
God is there. He LOVES ME.
After this, HIS GRACE became obvious to me. Church volunteers made us feel special and restored my faith in Humanity.
God's people, lovingly, gave their time and resources to every single homeless woman with a bed in the shelter. We were spoiled, absolutely rotten, compared to others in our situation.
With immense gratitude, I worked hard to remain in a program with a 4:30 pm curfew time, random drug tests and contracted goal setting, while my seed of Faith grew.
How dare I take every ounce of fury and rage out on HIM for my non-existent family, husband and children, career...you name it?
A second MIRACLE proved to me that HIS GRACE IS EVERYWHERE.
Evidence bears repetition.
Here are the FACTS:
When I was stripped of everything that meant anything to me in the world, I found myself in a place without hope. My life was at an all-time low; I had to believe in something.
God was all I had left.
My turn-around happened while I was trapped in the middle of the mountains in the filthy apartment I was conned into renting from across the country by the text-book example of a true cyber-stalker.
The moment I realized she is the mini version of my "mother" my rage diminished.
I DID THIS TO MYSELF.
Everything I'd been through was enough to bring me to my knees, where I sincerely needed Divine intervention. I humbly asked God to forgive me for doubting HIS power and begged for HIS Grace to get us through what was about to happen.
And, if it wasn't too much to request, could HE, please, let Tolstoy and I stay together and be fed every day - all I dare ask for.
HE heard my prayer.
We survived utter destitution, with full bellies, thanks to the kindness of strangers who fed us three times a day.
HIS WORD sunk in, finally, at a United Methodist Church, where I found a community filled with LOVE FOR ALL.
In the past, I only prayed for things that seemed silly from inside the tiny tent Tolstoy and I lived in for six weeks, while I did everything I could to get us inside again.
GOD carried us, together, into shelter.
Then, as if HE hadn't done enough for us already, I discovered the TRUTH in a book called a PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE, by Rick Warren, that I "found" the first night I spent in A ROOM AT THE INN.
ARE YOU READY?
Here's the bottom line, folks:
GOD IS NOT HERE FOR US.
WE ARE HERE FOR HIM.
Every single one of us is given a PURPOSE, with FREE WILL to mess it up.
Our job is to FIND IT, then DO IT.
Praise GOD, I GET IT.
Am I a sinner?
Every human being is.
Does God CARE?
Am I going to HELL?
How do I know?
Because I trust HIM and HIS PROMISE.
Will I preach that to you?
That is not my place, nor MY PURPOSE.
What I will tell you, with no uncertainly whatsoever is this:
GOD LOVES RACHEL G.
And, HE LOVES YOU TOO!
'Till Next Time,
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COMMENT/FEED BACK INSTRUCTIONS:
As you see, I have removed the option of commenting here. Unfortunately, THE CULT SICKOS will not leave me alone. I refuse to look at their filthy comments, which used to flood my inbox. So, I took that power away from them.
BUT. That doesn't mean you cannot comment. I ask that you take the extra step of going to my Facebook Fan Page, located here, click "like," then comment below the link to this post (or any others) and write your feedback.
Believe me, I wish I was allowed to be like every other blogger on the web, able to communicate with their readers from their own site. Some are just sicker than others (GOD BLESS THEM!). I gotta do what I have to do.
I will post these directions for the next few weeks. I hope to get the conversation started again! I miss YOUS!